We put so much pressure on ourselves to be good parents. We try to give our kids loving stable homes, send them to good schools, be patient when they freak out, feed them the right foods, set up fun play dates, buffer their emotions, help them achieve their goals, and a multitude of other daily tasks and thoughts to do with their wellbeing and overall levels of happiness. Because that is what good parents do.
The truth? You are not a good parent.
The truth? You are not a good parent.
Nobody is.
“The Good Parent” is an impossible ideal that we have set for ourselves that is unattainable. It is a fantasy. And fantasies that are indulged lead to disappointment, self-recrimination, depression, shame and blame.
Stop trying so hard. Just be authentically who you are in the moment... the tired parent, the grumpy parent, the fun parent, the raging parent, the healthy parent, the couch-potato parent, the mean one, the overindulgent one…
Be all parts of yourself (preferably not all in one go!)
Kids know when you're faking and will push you to reveal your true state. It is confusing for them otherwise to have two competing messages. It makes them feel insecure with their interpretation of the world and ultimately with the world itself. You know how it feels when someone says they’re not cross with you but their body language clearly states otherwise? It feels like you’re being lied to or that the person you are dealing with doesn’t love or trust you enough to reveal themselves to you. And for kids the lie is coming from the people they love and trust the most.
Be real.
Is that always nice? No. Because you're human and humans aren't perpetually nice.
Real people have real emotions and fluctuating moods and different levels of patience and tolerance on different days.
- Real people are sometimes calm and understanding and sometimes crazy and irrational.
- Real people sometimes say things they wish they hadn't and have to go back and apologise.
- Real people sometimes feed their kids cereal for dinner.
- Real people hurt each other’s feelings and need to make amends.
- Real people have some moments in the day that are better than others.
- Real people sometimes take out their day on unsuspecting innocent bystanders.
- Real people sometimes spend too much time online / on their phones / watching TV / sleeping / being distracted.
- Real people don’t always like their own kids all the time.
One day your children are going to turn around and tell you that you've been a bad parent; that there's something you did or didn't do that ruined their life.
If you've been trying to be a good parent this will crush you. You will try to defend yourself or cry or become angry and distant. But, if instead you have allowed yourself to be authentic, you can simply smile and acknowledge their frustration with having a less than perfect parent (and know that in time they will have their own kids and will thank you for not setting an unrealistic role model for them to live up to).
You are not a good parent and that's okay.
Stop striving for the ideal and rather enjoy being real.
Want to let go of all that parenting guilt? Get in touch! Or sign up for my online My Parenting Breakthrough Experience which will help you to love yourself and your kids exactly as you are.
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