MYTH #1: BABIES ARE RESILIENT
 
This one is not entirely a myth, but rather a misunderstanding. Babies, like all humans, are co-regulators. That means that they are resilient in relationship with a resilient adult. Babies need someone who can withstand their strong emotions and contain and soothe them as they struggle through. Most babies will cope with medical procedures or other traumatic events when a patient, loving adult helps them through.
 
The trouble comes when the parent or other adult is traumatized themselves (or otherwise unable to be physically or emotionally present for the baby). Babies who are not helped and contained through their trauma are not resilient, and many of the issues that this brings up will only be evident years down the line — social difficulties, trouble at school, ADHD-type symptoms of struggling to concentrate or regulate their emotions. Without proper support during traumatic experiences, babies may develop challenges that follow them into childhood and beyond.
 
MYTH #2: BABIES DON'T REMEMBER TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES
 
We store information differently when we don't have language to articulate our experiences, but this doesn't mean these memories don't exist. We may think that babies don't remember and they may not be able to talk about things that happened in their pre-verbal years, but that trauma is stored in their bodies and nervous systems.
 
When babies experience trauma, their brains encode these experiences differently than adults do, often in sensory and emotional forms rather than as narrative memories. These implicit memories can emerge later as unexplained fears, physical sensations, or emotional reactions that seem disconnected from any conscious memory. For a brilliant explanation of this and the long-term effects of untreated trauma, I can highly recommend Bessel Van Der Kolk's bestselling book, "The Body Keeps The Score."
 
MYTH #3: BABIES CAN'T HAVE THERAPY
 
Again, being non-verbal we tend to think that little people couldn't possibly engage in therapy as we tend to think of therapy as talking about our problems. But for many years therapists have been helping young children through play therapy where youngsters play out their problems metaphorically instead of speaking.
 
Older toddlers can certainly benefit from play therapy, and there are now newer therapies aimed at helping even the youngest of clients. Infant-parent psychotherapy helps parents and infants to work through trauma via their relationship, helping parents to support and contain their children through the healing process. EMDR is a more targeted approach, using simple stories and pictures alongside bilateral stimulation to help babies to process specific traumatic events.
 
SEEKING HELP FOR YOUR LITTLE ONE
 
If your baby or toddler has experienced a potentially traumatic event, it's important to recognize that early intervention can prevent long-term difficulties. Some signs that your child might benefit from therapeutic support include:
 
- Changes in sleep patterns or difficulty settling
- Increased irritability or inconsolable crying
- Regression in developmental milestones
- Strong reactions to triggers that remind them of the traumatic event
- Changes in eating patterns
 
Remember, getting help early doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with your child or your parenting. Rather, it's a proactive step to support healthy development and emotional wellbeing.
 
HOW I CAN HELP
 
One of the main focuses of my new practice is in helping people of all ages to process their trauma before it becomes a lifelong challenge. I am trained in EMDR as well as a form of infant-parent psychotherapy called "Watch, Wait and Wonder." I see parents and their infants in person, as well as supporting parents through EMDR storytelling with their babies online.
 
If you're concerned about how a difficult experience may be affecting your baby or toddler, please reach out. Together, we can help your little one process their experiences and develop the emotional resilience they'll need throughout life.

But what if I told you that all of these things would stop because your child had died.
 
That changes everything. Now before you come at me for being completely morbid and depressing and yes, you can touch wood if you feel the need, but hear me out…
 
One month, in the not too distant past, I thought my daughter was going to die. She was very ill for a long time and had reached the point where she couldn't get up and down the stairs without help, wasn't eating, was weak and listless and had literally lost the will to live. I thought we were reaching the end. And there was a moment where I really let that sink in. Instead of denying it and trying to run from it and pretending that everything was definitely going to work out, I allowed my mind to go there. What if she didn't make it. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it now, but that thought changed everything.
 
Thankfully, she recovered, but that experience permanently altered my perspective. What I wouldn't give to have one more day of meltdowns and dirty feet and noise and chaos and whining and sibling fights and snarky remarks. That moment made me appreciate, deeply and truly appreciate, the gift of an ordinary day, and even the gift of an ordinary meltdown. We try so hard as parents to push our kids along, we say we can't wait for the day they are out of nappies / sleeping through the night / start maturing and stop having tantrums / learn to do things for themselves / etc. For most of us that day will come and we'll forget to be grateful when it does and instead will go on to wish for some other moment that will 'make us happy'. For some, that time will never come and deep regret will fill the gaps where the noise and chaos used to be.
 
The truth is, there is usually not much we can do about our children surviving or not. We don't control the future, no matter how much we persuade ourselves we do. Tragedy happens. Life happens. One day, whether through death or simply growing up, our homes will be empty of little people and their grubby paws and their big emotions and we'll miss the very things we complain about now. And to those parents who have already experienced this devastating loss, my heart aches with yours – you understand this truth more deeply than most of us ever will.
 
Stoic philosophers have always talked about contemplating death as a very important part of living a good life. The assumption that we have another day, another moment, another year makes us shut down to the only thing we have for certain – this moment. And if this moment contains a meltdown, well, so be it. It is possible to appreciate the meltdown in the moment – to see it for the gift that it is – a crying, screaming, hitting, but very much beautifully alive little human being in need of our love and presence. Be here now. Love the gift of this moment, whatever it brings.
 
Now, when my children have meltdowns or make messes, I still feel frustrated sometimes – I'm only human after all. But I try to pause and remember that dark time when I would have given anything to hear their voices, even raised in anger. It helps me breathe deeper, love harder, and appreciate these chaotic moments for what they truly are: signs of vibrant, messy, beautiful life.

You’re not. Parenting manuals throughout the last century or more have told us that parenting is about control. “Good parents” have children who do what they’re told when they’re told, behave in public, do well at school and don’t throw tantrums in the supermarket. Right?
 
The Control Cycle
 
I’d like you to stop for a minute and think about the last time someone tried to control you. How did you feel? How much did you want to stay in relationship with that person? What was your motivation like for doing what they wanted rather than what you wanted? I can remember having a boyfriend who tried to control how I dressed. It was a very short-lived relationship! Nobody likes to be controlled. It makes us feel angry, resentful, defiant, anxious and obstinate. This leads to behaviours like doing the opposite of what they want, arguing and shouting, possibly even violence, depending on the level of control exerted. All the behaviours that we’re trying to avoid in our children. The more we try to control, the worse the behavior gets. Vicious cycle 101!
 
Parenting is about relationship
 
You see, parenting is about relationship, not control. We tend to get caught up in all this parenting theory and forget that at the most fundamental level, you are having a relationship with another human being. Do you try to control everything your friend does? Or your partner? Now I’m not saying that you don’t need to have some boundaries – of course you do, as you would in any relationship. You wouldn’t let your friend or partner hit you or get into dangerous situations (if you could help it) or pee on your couch. If they did something you didn’t like, you’d try to understand what happened and work it out with them. If you care about the relationship you try to mend the ruptures that inevitably happen along the way.
 
Behaviour as communication
 
Behaviour is just a form of communication. Children are not that great with words yet and so they show us how they’re feeling and what’s going on for them in the relationship by acting it out. Those times when we most want to exert control and banish our children to the naughty corner are exactly the times when they need the closeness of that relationship the most. Children, like all humans, are co-regulators. Think about how you call a friend when you’re upset or seek out your partner for a hug. We help each other to get back into our zones of regulation. So why do we assume that children, with their more immature nervous systems, should be able to regulate themselves, alone, in a naughty corner?
 
What to do instead of the naughty corner
 
The ‘uncontrollable’ children are the ones who need our love and attention the most. Their behavior is telling us that they don’t feel ok, that they’re not regulated and that they desperately need our help. My invitation (or challenge, if you prefer!) for the next three months is to replace the naughty corners, star charts and punishments with the following:
 
Set aside ten minutes, three times a week, for one-on-one time with each child. Have a set time that is on the calendar for everyone to see and do not deviate from this at all if you can help it. Find a space where you won’t be disturbed, close the door, bring a few toys and games, and sit on the floor with them. During this time, they are in control. They get to decide what you are playing and how (yes, they can make up new rules). They get to decide whether the car they are holding is a car or a plane or a dinosaur. Don’t say or do anything unless they ask you to. Your job is to be very, very present (no phones), to observe, and to be directed. The only rules are that nobody gets hurt and nothing gets broken. If your child attacks you for some reason, say “You can choose to stop hitting me or you can choose to end our playtime for today”. If they continue, say, “I see you have chosen to end our playtime today” and get up and leave. No punishment, no anger, no shaming. Just showing them that their choices have consequences.
 
Try this for the next three months and let me know how it goes!
 
Parenting is not about control. Your child’s behavior is not a measure of how well you are doing. This is a relationship. Invest wisely in it and it will be the longest and most rewarding relationship of your life.

This discovery, made by neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp during his groundbreaking research on the neuroscience of play, tells us something profound about the nature of play itself. It's not just about winning—it's about maintaining relationships that make future play possible.

The Neuroscience of Play

Panksepp's work revealed that play isn't just a frivolous activity—it's hardwired into our brains. He identified distinct neural circuits dedicated to play, particularly in regions responsible for processing rewards and emotions. When young animals engage in play, these circuits light up with activity, releasing a cocktail of feel-good neurotransmitters that make play inherently rewarding.

But why did evolution dedicate precious neural real estate to something seemingly non-essential? Because play isn't just fun—it's fundamental to development.

Rough and Tumble: More Than Just Horsing Around

This is particularly evident in rough-and-tumble play, which is especially common among young males across many species. When children engage in playful wrestling or chase games, they're not just burning energy—they're learning crucial life skills:

• Physical boundaries: Children learn how much force is too much
• Emotional regulation: They practice managing excitement and frustration
• Social cues: They become adept at reading others' signals and limits
• Empathy: They learn to adjust their behavior based on their playmate's reactions

These skills don't just stay on the playground—they become the foundation for adult social competence.

The Bigger Game

Think of play as a microcosm of life itself. When we play, we're not just learning how to win or lose at a specific game—we're learning how to win at the bigger game of social interaction and cooperation. The rat who lets their smaller playmate win sometimes isn't just being nice—they're developing skills that will serve them throughout life:

• Emotional intelligence
• Strategic thinking
• Social awareness
• Cooperative behavior
• Leadership skills

Lessons for Parents

So what can we learn from Panksepp's rats? When playing with children, we should:

1. Let them win sometimes—but not always. Like the rats' 30% rule, finding the right balance helps maintain engagement while still providing challenge.
2. Encourage rough-and-tumble play within safe boundaries. Despite our protective instincts, this type of play serves crucial developmental purposes.
3. Focus on the process, not just the outcome. The goal isn't just to win—it's to create an environment where everyone wants to play again tomorrow.
4. Pay attention to when children stop wanting to play. Like the smaller rat, they might be telling us something important about the dynamic.

The Invitation to Play

Perhaps the most profound lesson from Panksepp's research is this: in life, as in play, success isn't just about winning each individual encounter. It's about maintaining relationships that keep us in the game. Every time we play with others, we're either strengthening or weakening their desire to play with us again.

This is why learning to play well—to be both competitive and cooperative, to know when to dominate and when to yield—is such a crucial life skill. In the end, the most successful players aren't necessarily those who win the most games, but those who keep getting invited back to play.

So the next time you're playing with a child, remember the rats in Panksepp's laboratory. Sometimes, letting the little one win isn't just kind—it's teaching them, and us, how to win at the bigger game of life.

Mona Naidoo (aka Princess Mona) is a life and abundance coach, helping women to transform their lives and finances and to step into their power in the world. For more of Mona's tips and insights, join her community on Facebook.

I’ve had enough of the self-help movement. And I say this with full acknowledgement of my role in it. This movement is not there to help you. It is there to make money. It is an industry and a very fast growing one at that. Why? Why is it one of the fastest growing industries worldwide? Because we all think we’re messed up. We all think we’re not good enough. We all think we need to improve, get better, do more, sort ourselves out. Enough!

I’ve recently taken some time out from doing what I normally do and this has given me some space to reflect. If you’re ever feeling very stable and confident and on top of your life in general, I recommend immigration to stir things up again.
 
I went from what felt like the peak of my game – running a relatively successful business, doing regular TV and radio slots, being interviewed for articles, family life running smoothly, good routine… And then suddenly I was in this different life… Doing a job I had no idea how to do, in an industry where I didn’t understand the jargon at all, right at the bottom, far from my family and feeling so completely unsure of myself – who I am, what is meaningful, my basic worth as a human being. You see I’d tied so much of my worth into what I do in my career that I’d forgotten about the basic human worth bestowed on us just for being.
 
And I realised I had been part of perpetuating this in the world. This idea that we need to work on ourselves, that we need to do something meaningful in the world. That we need to be better - better parents, better spouses, better communicators, better friends, healthier, fitter, that we need to improve our mental health, our financial health, that we need to find and embrace our path and our purpose. 
 
And this is the big lie. The one we’ve been buying into for years. That we have some incredible destiny that MUST be fulfilled. That living an ordinary life is a cop out – that it is wasting your God-given gifts, that you have an obligation to figure out your purpose and then do amazing things in the world.
 
I love this quote by Osho:
“You are not created for any purpose. And it is good that you are not created for any purpose; otherwise you would be a machine. A machine is created for some purpose. Man is not created for some purpose – no! Man is just the outflowing, overflowing creation. Everything simply is. Flowers are there and stars are there and you are there. Everything is just an overflowing, a joy, a celebration of existence without any purpose”.
 
All purpose is concerned with the future. The only moment you have for sure is this one. Where is this fame now? Is your life not meaningful right now? The only meaning it can possibly have is in this moment. 
 
If you are doing something you love. Great. If not, it's that subtle idea that you should be that stops you from loving what is right now. And your life is now. This isn't a dress rehearsal for a future moment. This is the moment. And there's nothing wrong with it unless you start thinking that there is. All your problems are in your mind. Your life is already perfect. Already worthwhile. Right now. 
 
Whatever it is you want to achieve - better parenting, fame,  money… what do you think it will bring you? Happiness? Peace? These are only things that you can experience now. If you can't, then what makes you think that once you have what you're striving for that you'll be able to experience them then? 
 
And usually what we're looking for is some emotional gain. Emotions will come and go. All of them. Regardless of how many goals you achieve or not. 
 
You have no purpose; there is nothing you have to do. You can't fail to fulfill your destiny. You are a human being not a human doing. Your small life is significant. Just like every ant or leaf or child makes the world what it is. We can't all be superstars. We can’t all be super wealthy. We can’t all be brilliant parents. We can’t all be incredible inventors.  We have this obsession with trying to be more. The world is telling us just to be me is not enough. I must do something spectacular with my life otherwise I have failed. 
 
I think of it like in movies. I don't only want to watch superhero movies. They become clichéd and boring. I love those Australian films with little people and their struggles. These are beautiful touching stories. Like your story. They don't need to be Hollywood blockbusters to be worthwhile. Everyone has a story. And everyone's story is filled with love and drama and heartache and treachery and intrigue and beauty and magic and splendour. There are no stories without dark bits. Imagine a movie where nothing happens. Where everyone is just happy and at peace and getting along. No. A good movie is one that moves you deeply emotionally. Brings out laughter and tears and terror. So don't think the self-help movement will remove your darkness. It can't. 
 
I keep the symbol of the Tai Chi with me always. Most people know this as the Yin and Yang and think that it's called that and that its essence is the black and white. It isn't. It's called the Tai Chi and its essence is the circle. That's who you really are. The black and white is the ever changing nature of this world. Sometimes you are good sometimes bad sometimes sick sometimes healthy sometimes kind sometimes cruel. You can't escape this. No self-help course is going to magically remove you from the laws of the universe. You will always still have both sadness and happiness, good days and bad, self-confidence and self-doubt. But the essence of the Tai Chi is the circle. The never changing circle that contains it. That circle represents the true story. That you are the vessels that contains all that light and dark. But the circle is perfect. You are perfect whichever way that pendulum is swinging right now. You are already whole exactly as you are. You are already enough. 
 
No matter how much you work on yourself you will continue to have illness and drama and nastiness and bad moods and tragedy in your life. This doesn't mean you have failed. This doesn't mean you are less enlightened. This doesn't mean you need to work harder or you still need to change or fix or improve yourself. 
 
I'm not even saying you shouldn't engage with the self-help movement if you want to. Just notice the spirit with which you engage. Are you coming to that book or course or workshop with a fundamental feeling that there is something wrong with you? And are you being engaged with by the person selling it like you need to improve or change to be OK. Watch out for subtle judgements that who you are right now is not enough. Particularly when it comes to health. That you wouldn't get that cancer or have that arthritis if you did the work on yourself. That subtly you are to blame for your own troubles. No. Cancer happens. Arthritis happens. Shit happens. You are not to blame and you are not imperfect or in need of improving because of it. You are whole. With your cancer. With your dark side. You need both yin and yang. You cannot escape. You cannot control it. There is no blame. It is all part of the beautiful story of your life. 
 
Your small ordinary life is so spectacularly beautiful. You have no idea how lucky you are to be alive. 
 
For you to be sitting here reading this today your whole life needs to have happened. And mine. Your parents must have met and procreated. And mine. And our grandparents and great grandparents. If my great grandparents hadn't fled Russia in the revolution I wouldn't be here. So the revolution had to happen and all the other historical events that shaped our families lives. If you keep going back you'll see that the whole history of the universe had to happen for you and I to be here today. Your life is already meaningful. You don't have to do anything to make it so. 
 
So fuck the self-help movement. Ditch that course, don’t buy that next book, get a refund on that workshop. Go spend your money on a fabulous holiday instead or spend time in nature or with your kids. Or just be. Doing whatever you are doing right now. It's all good. 
 
In the words of my favourite philosopher and poet Wu Hsin. “The outcome of seeing clearly can be stated in a single sentence. There is nothing wrong.”

It is a fundamentally human thing to desire. We all have things that we want. Maybe we want to be healthier, or happier, or we’d like another job or a new car or a break for a week, or a chance to pee in peace, or something delicious for dinner, or for our train to run on time, or our boss to give us a Christmas bonus, or our partner to pack the dishwasher without being asked. It is also fundamentally human to feel intense disappointment, anger and resentment when our desires go unfulfilled; as most of them will. 
 
Our children are human (I think we forget this sometimes) and so have both desires and the ensuing frustration when the things they want are not readily forthcoming.

Our job as parents is definitely not to fulfil our child's every desire. At a gut level we know this. We talk about spoiled brats and we feel our own resentment when our children have far more than we ever had and still want more. Desire never ends, by the way – for them and for us. Notice the next time you get something you wanted and see how you immediately start making plans to get the next thing.
 
Saying “no” is an important part of parenting.
 
However…
 
We do need to acknowledge the desire. Our children are not wrong for desiring. They are human. And if we punish them for something that is in their nature then they will grow up always thinking there is something wrong with them that needs fixing. Then, no matter how hard they try, being unable to fix it. 
 
We know that desire is the root cause of all our suffering. Wanting things. Wanting things to be different to what they are. Wanting things to turn out some way in a future we have no control over. Wanting what someone else has. Wanting other people to behave more like us. Every time you're suffering, look at what it is that you desire and you'll find the cause of your suffering in your own mind.  
 
The best gift that we can give our children in this regard is neither the fulfilment of all desires nor the negation of all their desires, but the ability to transcend the whole desire-suffering game altogether.
 
We do this by focusing first on what is. What is, is that the desire is there in the first place. So focus on that.
 
“You really really want xyz.”
 
 Acknowledge that.
 
Then again focus on what is.
 
“And you cannot have it.”
 
It's the truth. You can't have everything you want. We don't need to be mean about it. Just acknowledge it.
 
And lastly, focus again on what is: That that hurts. The pain is real. The frustration is real. The anger is real. Acknowledge it. Don’t make it bad or wrong. Allow it to be, to be expressed, and to pass.
 
The quickest way to move through something is to be fully in it in the first place. 
 
When children learn to accept, acknowledge, experience and move through these phases of desire, frustration of desire, and emotional pain, without adding additional stress and meaning to them they will also learn to flow with what the rest of what life has to offer. They will learn to observe themselves and life in its many forms. They will learn not to judge themselves or life as both constantly change. They will learn that they can’t control everything and that’s ok. They will learn to be present with what is. 
 
This is peace (even if you’re still accompanied by two or three little people every time you pee).
 

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“The aim is to balance the terror of being alive with the wonder of being alive.” – Carlos Castaneda

Life is terrifying. There are so many things that can go wrong with us and our kids... and often do. It's a small wonder we aren't all on drugs. Oh wait, maybe we are! The explosion of anti-depressants and tranquilisers didn't come out of nowhere. If we have any measure of intelligence we'll see how fragile we are and that ultimately we have to die. And our children have to die. Maybe the only people seeing things clearly are the ones with what we call ‘mental health problems’. We all have a mental health problem called ‘extreme denial to cope with the truth’.
 
We're all going to die.

Oh Mia, how much more dramatic and morbid can you get?
Don't indulge me.

The truth is, I love life. I am far from being a pessimist. But I am a realist. And I do have my moments where I wake in the night with death anxiety.

I think it's important to discuss the dark side, instead of trying to cover it up with our legal drugs and pretend we're all ok with it. You look around and it appears that everyone else is alright and not terrified, so you think it must be just you. And then you join in the drug party and try to forget. 

If we were all honest about it and opened up the conversation we could work our way through it. We're stronger than we think, and capable of finding the balance between the wonder and the terror.  If we deny the terror we also curb our ability for wonder. As Jung said, “No tree can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell”.

Parenting is terrifying. Your children are going to die. So are you. Maybe not now but sometime. Facing this fact allows you a greater appreciation of now. When we know someone is dying we savour our time with them. We see them. We listen properly. We do our best to understand. We don't brush them off. We don't scold them for things that really don't matter in the greater scheme of life and death. 
 
We’re trying so hard to get rid of half of life – we want health without sickness, joy without despair, wealth without poverty, life without death. But every one of these is a valid experience and relies on its opposite to exist. What is life if not a constant succession of moments of experience?
 
It is all beautiful when seen through the eyes of transience. It isn’t going to last. You are not going to last. Neither are your children. So what, then, is important? We can throw our hands up in futility or we can embrace the only thing we ever had for sure – this moment. It is the very fact that it won’t last that makes it incredible. It will never again repeat. You cannot hang onto it, but you can immerse yourself in it and appreciate everything about it.
 
Appreciate everything about this fleeting moment with your children. See them, embrace them, marvel at them, love them. You don’t know that you have another moment with them, but you do know that you have this one.
 
Half of your life will be suffering. There is no escaping half of life. No matter how many pills we pop there will still be death and sick children and fear and financial uncertainty and tantrums and heartache. That’s ok. If you try to escape that by numbing yourself to the terror, you will also numb yourself to the incredible heights of wonder, joy and beauty that come from being aware of your existence. Aware of your child’s existence.
 
That terror of understanding our own and our children’s mortality contains within it the very tools needed for transcending it. It is the very fact of death that allows us to parent properly. Knowing that this isn’t going to last gives us perspective, it deepens appreciation, it focuses our minds on gratitude. Let that fear be your guiding light to not waste this moment. This precious moment with your children. This fleeting, elusive, snippet of life. Be here. With your child. Right now. And be in awe.

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Parenting is not about doing. It's about being. First you need to be present. You can't be a parent without the being part. Most of us are simply not there. We are vacant. Lost in thought and lost in doing. We are robots going through the motions of parenting while focusing on other things. And then parenting becomes suffering for us and our children. 
 
Even if you choose the best possible parenting approach (and there are some that are better than others), if you are not there to implement it then it is meaningless. Your children need you. Your very being. Your presence. Only then can you make a difference in their lives. And then it doesn't matter nearly so much what you do. 
 
Misbehaviour is an extremely complex subject, but at its essence it is always a cry for attention. Usually your attention - for you to be present and aware. Every act of misbehaviour is your child (and life) screaming out for you to be fully here, meeting the moment as it is. 
 
And all punishment is a reaction. Reactions are programmed and unconscious and will never ultimately have the effect you're looking for. They are both a sign and a symptom of disconnection. From yourself. From your child. And from life. 
 
So my prescription for this parenting malady is this very wise piece of advice from The White Rabbit:
 
Don’t just do something; stand there.
 
We tend to rush, blindly, into action at the slightest provocation. Our baby cries and we rush in to comfort. Our little ones fall over and we race to pick them up and kiss them better. Our teenagers slam doors and we march over to give them a lecture on respect.
 
Should we never comfort, kiss better or admonish behaviour that bothers us? Not necessarily. The response is less important than the fact that it is genuinely a response and not a reaction. So pause. Don’t do anything. Just stand there. Allow a moment to pass while you connect in to yourself. Make sure you are fully there. Make sure that your reaction is justified. Search yourself for signs of being triggered by your own issues that have nothing to do with your kids (a bad day at the office, a lingering headache, a past trauma that has never been looked at). Check in with yourself that what you’re planning on doing isn’t just a programmed reaction that you picked up from your own parents.
 
This only needs to take a moment. And it doesn’t require much thought. What it does require is the commitment to standing still and doing nothing, just breathing and being, so that you can engage with your child with your full presence.
 
What you may find in this stillness is that everything is ok exactly as it is. Babies cry, children fall, adolescents struggle with regulating emotions. None of these situations necessarily require us to do anything.
 
In that moment of doing nothing, you may find that your baby stops crying and falls back asleep, that your child brushes off his scraped knee and carries on playing, that your teen calms down and offers a genuine apology. Or not.
 
This is not about running away or shirking responsibility. You are there. That is what matters. You are present and available should you be needed. If your baby continues to cry, you will be in a better frame of mind to assess what she is crying about. If your fallen child needs to be taken for stitches you will be calm enough to drive him there and encourage him through the experience. If you haven’t created more distance with your teen by unnecessary lectures, you will be present for a real conversation around how she feels and how you feel and how you can help each other to live amicably together.
 
Standing there and doing nothing is the highest form of action. It requires self-discipline and restraint and such genuine care for yourself and your child and life that you want to embrace every moment and experience it to its fullest. The right thing to do in each situation with your unique child and unique life circumstances, will differ from year to year, from day to day, and from moment to moment. If you’re not fully there to assess and observe the situation with clarity, how could you possibly know which course of action to take? Only by being a parent can you truly do the right thing.  
 

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We take it for granted that although we often feel like hitting someone else (or biting scratching or throwing a tantrum) that we are able to override this primitive drive and behave like an at least semi-civilized human being (well, most of the time anyway). We assume that this is a normal ability that everyone of all ages shares, and we therefore expect everyone else to make good use of it. Including our kids. But the physiological truth of the matter runs a little bit deeper…

​You see, your ability to do this relies heavily on a part of your brain called the prefrontal cortex. It has the ability to assess a situation, to take into account societal rules and norms, to problem solve better ways of behaving, and to generally override the more primitive parts of your brain that want to fight, scratch, scream and get their own way.
 
The sad thing about the prefrontal cortex (in terms of parenting) is that it is only fully developed in the early 20’s. Yup, that’s right folks, your kids do not have the physiological capacity to do everything that you are expecting of them. So essentially when we punish our children for those tantrums or impulsive behaviours, we are punishing them for not being fully developed yet. It’s like punishing your child for wetting her bed when she’s only 2.
 
Does this mean that we should leave them to behave like wild beasts and tear each other apart over the slightest sibling rivalry? Absolutely not. What we need to do is to be our children’s external prefrontal cortex. So what exactly does that mean?
 
It means that you need to be very present. You need to anticipate problems before they turn into nightmares. You need to see that arm going out for the punch and gently redirect it with a gentle, but definitely firm, “I won’t allow you to punch your brother”. It means that we need to be calm enough to help our children to calm down. To be observant enough to know what tends to set them off and anticipate those problems. We need to help them to behave in ways that are appropriate for the situation without shaming them for being underdeveloped in these areas.
 
This does not mean you need to stop your child from having these strong emotions. It just means that you need to assist them to redirect that energy elsewhere. For example, “I see you’re angry. You’re feeling so mad you want to hit something. That’s ok. You can hit this punching bag, but not your sister”.
 
Even as adults, when we go into fight or flight, our prefrontal cortex basically shuts down. This is why grown humans also lose it sometimes and attack people in the traffic or run away from accidents. In those moments where we’re losing it, it wouldn’t be helpful for our partner to come in and say “If you don’t stop that this instant I’m going to shut you in your room for the next hour or take away your phone (or some adult equivalent to time-outs or punishment). No. If we could stop freaking out we would. But we can’t in that moment. What we need is someone to say, “Hey, I can see you’re taking strain. That’s ok. I’ve got this.”
 
Just knowing that our emotions are ok, that they (and we) have been acknowledged, that we’re still loved even though we’re not at our best, that someone else is there to stop bad things from happening – that is what ultimately helps us to regain control.
 
We all fear that our children won’t become decent members of society and that we somehow need to drill this into them. We don’t. We need to model coping behaviours, we need to show them how we handle stress, we need to be a good example of dealing with the challenges that life throws at us. And then, while they’re still little, we need to be their prefrontal cortex – guiding them and showing them that they are also capable of different behavior and if they need help with that, that is ok.
 
Definitely expect good behavior, but expect to be a part of making that happen until their prefrontal cortexes are fully developed and they no longer need your gentle guidance.

Does your own prefrontal cortex seem to be offline when you need it most? My Parenting Breakthrough Experience will guide you through exercises designed to get it back up and running. Sign up now!