Did you know that we only have two innate fears and all the rest are learned behaviour? – And no, one of those is not the fear of spiders! The two we’re born with are the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. My personal opinion is that when we become parents we seem to lose this fear of falling, otherwise why is it that we insist on building ourselves such high pedestals to tumble off?
Somewhere along the line, whether through the media, the million parenting books out there or well-meaning relatives, we’ve built up this idea around what a “good parent” should look like. I’m not a fan of anything with the word “should” in it to begin with, but particularly when it comes to parenting. So I’d like to set a few things straight so that you can climb carefully off your pedestals and bulldoze them and enjoy a relaxed and carefree 2014….
Somewhere along the line, whether through the media, the million parenting books out there or well-meaning relatives, we’ve built up this idea around what a “good parent” should look like. I’m not a fan of anything with the word “should” in it to begin with, but particularly when it comes to parenting. So I’d like to set a few things straight so that you can climb carefully off your pedestals and bulldoze them and enjoy a relaxed and carefree 2014….
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Every parent (and yes, I include myself in this) has days where they are less than perfect, if not downright horrific. We all lose it sometimes, we all say things that will have repercussions down through the ages, we all curse and ignore and are childish… sometimes. We also are all sometimes wonderful and patient and caring and know exactly what to say and how to make the fears go away. Sometimes.
Every one of us has every possible human trait. We may display these differently to other people but they’re all there. If you take a good honest look at yourself you’ll see that this is true, and it really is a worthwhile exercise. No matter what you see in someone else you have that in you too. So that “perfect mom” that you’re idolizing – you also have that same gentleness and tolerance and instinctive parenting skill that she does. And that “dreadful dad” that you’re busy judging, well guess what – you also have that short temper and grouchiness and lack of tolerance. And both that mom and dad have the opposite traits too. You may not display these traits in the same way as each other or under the same circumstances, but you definitely have them.
Now that may sound scary, but I find it quite liberating. It means that you get to just be you – the good you, the bad you, and even the ugly you. You can stop comparing yourself to others and finding either yourself or them to be lacking in some way. The more you try to pretend that you don’t have some trait, the more life will prod you to prove that you do.
Let’s start the “Parents Off Pedestals” Movement and allow ourselves and others to just be real. Life is a lot easier to live without pretences, and allowing your kids to see you being real means that they have permission to be real too. Also, when we’re not repressing all sorts of traits that we “shouldn’t” have as parents, we free up a whole lot of energy to have a lot more fun with our kids.
So be happy, be grumpy, shout, laugh, sing, swear, dance, brood, simmer, and shine. And be the change that you want to see in your kids.
Every one of us has every possible human trait. We may display these differently to other people but they’re all there. If you take a good honest look at yourself you’ll see that this is true, and it really is a worthwhile exercise. No matter what you see in someone else you have that in you too. So that “perfect mom” that you’re idolizing – you also have that same gentleness and tolerance and instinctive parenting skill that she does. And that “dreadful dad” that you’re busy judging, well guess what – you also have that short temper and grouchiness and lack of tolerance. And both that mom and dad have the opposite traits too. You may not display these traits in the same way as each other or under the same circumstances, but you definitely have them.
Now that may sound scary, but I find it quite liberating. It means that you get to just be you – the good you, the bad you, and even the ugly you. You can stop comparing yourself to others and finding either yourself or them to be lacking in some way. The more you try to pretend that you don’t have some trait, the more life will prod you to prove that you do.
Let’s start the “Parents Off Pedestals” Movement and allow ourselves and others to just be real. Life is a lot easier to live without pretences, and allowing your kids to see you being real means that they have permission to be real too. Also, when we’re not repressing all sorts of traits that we “shouldn’t” have as parents, we free up a whole lot of energy to have a lot more fun with our kids.
So be happy, be grumpy, shout, laugh, sing, swear, dance, brood, simmer, and shine. And be the change that you want to see in your kids.
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