Did you know that parenting is supposed to be easy? Really. It isn’t mean to be a struggle and a fight and an enormous challenge. Nature has actually set it up to be easy. We’re hardwired to want to please our parents, to be like them and to do what they want us to do. What? This isn’t your experience? Let’s take a look at what might have gone wrong…
This isn’t a personal problem by the way. It seems that our society has gone in the direction of difficult parenting, which is why our bookshops have shelves lined with parenting books trying to give us techniques and solutions and advice to make things work. And still they don’t, because the techniques are like taking a pill to get rid of your headache – we’re addressing the symptoms instead of the cause. We’re not stopping for long enough to ask the right questions.
So what should we be asking? Well, we should be asking why every other mammal on the planet parents without stress or difficulty. Why animals do what their parents need them to do and don’t get into fights with their parents or run off and do dangerous things. Why do other animals learn from their parents what they need to learn and end up like them without some major rebellion in between? Nature has hardwired us, in the same way as other mammals, to want to imitate our primary connections. This is instinctual and essential for survival. We want to be close to those we are connected with, we want to do as they say and do as they do so that they will keep us close.
So what goes wrong is not the child’s behavior, but our connection to the child. We have lost our role as parents of being the primary connection. There are many reasons for this – parents working longer hours, children spending too long at school and in overcrowded classrooms, the lure of technology and other distractions keeping us from being present with our kids, the overemphasis on peer relationships, the lack of trust in our own ability to parent.
The thing is, if you ARE your child’s primary connection, things will be easy. Children will still have certain stages of challenging their boundaries, but they won’t become impossible. They will still be interested in some subjects more than others, but they won’t become unteachable. They will still want to have friends and playmates, but they won’t replace their parents with peers.
Our children haven’t stopped imitating and trying to please their primary connections – they’ve just changed who their primary connections are. Instead of us as parents being that connection, they have turned to their friends. Why? Because we’re simply not available for them. And this isn’t just a working-parent’s problem. Even those parents who are there 24/7 may not be there emotionally. They may be there, but not present. It isn’t about the amount of time we spend with our kids but the quality of that time – are we using the time to build the relationship or just to meet their physical needs?
If we want parenting to be easy and joyful, we need to reconnect with our children. We need to slow down and become present for them. We need to look them in the eye, we need to really listen, we need to love them and hug them and draw them in close. We need to stop “parenting” and start connecting. We need to recognize that our children need more time with us, NOT more playdates. We need to recognize that success comes from self-esteem (which comes from connection) NOT from more extra lessons and extramurals. We need to recognize that children behave because they’re loved NOT because they’re punished. We need to recognize that parenting is about relationships NOT about techniques.
Throw away your parenting books and use that valuable time that you would have spent reading to connect with your children. Parenting is supposed to be easy, but in order for it to be easy you need to work on the relationship and make that your parenting priority.
So what should we be asking? Well, we should be asking why every other mammal on the planet parents without stress or difficulty. Why animals do what their parents need them to do and don’t get into fights with their parents or run off and do dangerous things. Why do other animals learn from their parents what they need to learn and end up like them without some major rebellion in between? Nature has hardwired us, in the same way as other mammals, to want to imitate our primary connections. This is instinctual and essential for survival. We want to be close to those we are connected with, we want to do as they say and do as they do so that they will keep us close.
So what goes wrong is not the child’s behavior, but our connection to the child. We have lost our role as parents of being the primary connection. There are many reasons for this – parents working longer hours, children spending too long at school and in overcrowded classrooms, the lure of technology and other distractions keeping us from being present with our kids, the overemphasis on peer relationships, the lack of trust in our own ability to parent.
The thing is, if you ARE your child’s primary connection, things will be easy. Children will still have certain stages of challenging their boundaries, but they won’t become impossible. They will still be interested in some subjects more than others, but they won’t become unteachable. They will still want to have friends and playmates, but they won’t replace their parents with peers.
Our children haven’t stopped imitating and trying to please their primary connections – they’ve just changed who their primary connections are. Instead of us as parents being that connection, they have turned to their friends. Why? Because we’re simply not available for them. And this isn’t just a working-parent’s problem. Even those parents who are there 24/7 may not be there emotionally. They may be there, but not present. It isn’t about the amount of time we spend with our kids but the quality of that time – are we using the time to build the relationship or just to meet their physical needs?
If we want parenting to be easy and joyful, we need to reconnect with our children. We need to slow down and become present for them. We need to look them in the eye, we need to really listen, we need to love them and hug them and draw them in close. We need to stop “parenting” and start connecting. We need to recognize that our children need more time with us, NOT more playdates. We need to recognize that success comes from self-esteem (which comes from connection) NOT from more extra lessons and extramurals. We need to recognize that children behave because they’re loved NOT because they’re punished. We need to recognize that parenting is about relationships NOT about techniques.
Throw away your parenting books and use that valuable time that you would have spent reading to connect with your children. Parenting is supposed to be easy, but in order for it to be easy you need to work on the relationship and make that your parenting priority.
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