There are so many articles, books, self help courses and self-development webinars out there to help us to “get what we really want”. You want success or fame or more money or kids who behave well or the perfect marriage? You’ve got some work to do. You need to set goals and control your own thoughts and behavior and manage your emotions and be consistent with your discipline… and what it all really boils down to is control. Control your thoughts, control your behavior, control your spending habits, teach yourself and your children to have self-control, and most importantly, have control over your own future.
But we’ve missed a step here. If you want to get what you really want, then the first question you need to ask is what specifically is it that you really want?
But we’ve missed a step here. If you want to get what you really want, then the first question you need to ask is what specifically is it that you really want?
You’ll be surprised how many people have no idea what they want or have never really thought this question through or are just basing what they want on what the media and society tell them they ‘should’ want. After years of asking this to my clients what I’ve found is that once we strip away the details and get to the essentials, that what everyone wants is happiness / peace / some version thereof.
Then we try to control the world so that it will give this to us. Meanwhile, all our striving and fighting and desiring for the things we think we want actually takes us further and further from what we really want. And then, even when we do get it, we reframe it as something else and miss it. Like confusing peace for boredom.
The obstacles to you getting what you really want are not out there somewhere, just like the thing you’re looking for is not out there. It’s all within.
“Oh no”, I hear you say… “I have REAL obstacles in my life – I just lost my job, I don’t know how I’ll pay the school fees, my child has been suspended for bullying, my partner just cheated on me… How can I possibly have peace or happiness with all of that going on?”
And again, this is a product of the way we have learned to think. We make peace / happiness unattainable by placing so many conditions on it that it will never arrive and we make “having a bad day” so easy that every day must inevitably fall into this category.
Do it now, as a quick mental exercise… for you to have a good day today, what needs to happen? You’ll probably have a list that goes something like…
"Well, the baby needs to sleep through the night and the kids need to behave and get ready on time and my partner must help out around the house and my job must go smoothly and the traffic mustn’t be too hectic…" etc. (take note of all the 'ands' in your list).
Then, to have a bad day, what needs to happen?
This time you’ll have a list like… “Well, if I get stuck in traffic or the kids do something naughty at school or my partner looks at me funny or my hair doesn’t do what I want it to or I don’t get everything done that I need to or my eczema flares up or…” (notice all the 'ors' in your list).
Poor life! We’ve set it up for failure before the day has even begun.
Over time, and due to certain things that have happened over the past year, I have simplified my list to this:
In order for me to have a “good day” I need to:
Wake up.
Full stop.
Every day when I open my eyes and realize that I am still alive, I send a huge wave of gratitude out into the world that I get to have another day on this crazy, awesome, colourful planet. It doesn’t matter what happens or doesn’t happen, it’s a great day because I get to have another day. This life is a gift. Even on the “bad days”. If I told you that you would be dead by midnight tonight, would you not be grateful for another day of seeing the sun and hugging your kids and having a silly argument with your spouse? You don’t have to wait for your dying day to appreciate this.
You see, if you really want happiness or peace, what you have to realize is it is right here, all the time. You don’t find it through anything you do or own or buy or achieve. You choose it. In every single moment regardless of what is “happening”. When we try to control every moment and every outcome, we are essentially telling our minds that only certain moments are ok and the rest ought to be different in order for us to feel what we want to feel. What we don’t realize, as we’re all caught up in our lives, is that what we want is right there, waiting for us to notice it.
Let go of trying to make the moment conform to some preconceived idea you have of it that you think will make you happy and you’ll find that when you drop the fight with life, the happiness and peace that you really want are waiting there for you right now.
For a fun introduction to this idea for kids, check out my book, Yes Days No Days.
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