There are many times over the years with our children that we forget that we are building relationships, not training robots. In fact, the number one factor in determining whether a child will emulate you, whether they will follow in your footsteps and live out the kind of moral and ethical behavior that you hope they will, is their perception of their relationship with you. We want to model people we love and admire. We want to be as different as possible from people that we dislike or despise.
What happens to the relationship between a parent and a child when the parent is constantly nagging, moaning at, directing, threatening, punishing or hitting the child? Or even on a more subtle level, rolling their eyes, huffing and puffing, giving up on or ignoring. This breaks down the child’s natural connection with the parent. It does not break down their need for a primary connection. And so this connection then gets transferred to somebody else; often to the peer group. And then the child will model and emulate their peers instead of their parents. Teenagers are a prime example of this, but the damage starts in early childhood.
Every time we choose to be right over choosing to be kind, every time we choose adhering to social norms rather than nurturing our individual child, every time we punish instead of understanding, we are breaking bonds essential for the cooperation of our children. Children want to do right by us. They want to be accepted. They want to feel important and a part of a family. But their need for acceptance, significance and belonging cannot survive the unconscious pushing away of the parent indefinitely.
It is love that builds relationships, cooperation and consideration. It is trust that allows a child to express themselves and try out different behaviours (even some we may not like) without the fear of rejection and ultimately to choose the correct ones. It is respect that builds respect.
If you want your children to cooperate, start giving them the opportunities they need to see themselves as cooperative. Catch them doing things right. If you want to earn the trust of your children, start giving them the chance to be trustworthy; Stop questioning them and expecting them to fail. If you want their respect, you need to show them what respectful relationships look like. Start by respecting them first.
See your children as lifelong friends. How long would your friendship last if you were constantly whining at, shouting at or punishing your friend? If a friend did something you didn’t like wouldn’t you start by asking why they did it and hearing their side of the story? Wouldn’t you give them the benefit of the doubt and move on? We think as parents that we need to be in control, showing our kids the right way to live and what to do and say. But if you build your relationship with your children then all you need to do is live what you want them to learn. They will emulate it eventually. However, if your relationship with them falls apart, no matter what you say or do they won’t live it – in fact they are likely to do the opposite. So spend less time giving them orders and more time giving them hugs.
Focus on love not laws.
Focus on cherishing not chastising.
Focus on listening not lecturing.
Focus on inclusion not isolation.
Focus on comfort not conformity.
Focus on patience not performance.
Focus on building your relationships and everything else will fall into place. Children who are loved, cared for and understood become adults who love, care for and understand others. They may not be model children, they definitely won’t be obedient robots, but they will learn the right behavior by wanting to be like the parents they love and admire.
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If you want to learn more about building relationships with your children and alternatives to punishment, please join us for one of our parenting workshops!
Every time we choose to be right over choosing to be kind, every time we choose adhering to social norms rather than nurturing our individual child, every time we punish instead of understanding, we are breaking bonds essential for the cooperation of our children. Children want to do right by us. They want to be accepted. They want to feel important and a part of a family. But their need for acceptance, significance and belonging cannot survive the unconscious pushing away of the parent indefinitely.
It is love that builds relationships, cooperation and consideration. It is trust that allows a child to express themselves and try out different behaviours (even some we may not like) without the fear of rejection and ultimately to choose the correct ones. It is respect that builds respect.
If you want your children to cooperate, start giving them the opportunities they need to see themselves as cooperative. Catch them doing things right. If you want to earn the trust of your children, start giving them the chance to be trustworthy; Stop questioning them and expecting them to fail. If you want their respect, you need to show them what respectful relationships look like. Start by respecting them first.
See your children as lifelong friends. How long would your friendship last if you were constantly whining at, shouting at or punishing your friend? If a friend did something you didn’t like wouldn’t you start by asking why they did it and hearing their side of the story? Wouldn’t you give them the benefit of the doubt and move on? We think as parents that we need to be in control, showing our kids the right way to live and what to do and say. But if you build your relationship with your children then all you need to do is live what you want them to learn. They will emulate it eventually. However, if your relationship with them falls apart, no matter what you say or do they won’t live it – in fact they are likely to do the opposite. So spend less time giving them orders and more time giving them hugs.
Focus on love not laws.
Focus on cherishing not chastising.
Focus on listening not lecturing.
Focus on inclusion not isolation.
Focus on comfort not conformity.
Focus on patience not performance.
Focus on building your relationships and everything else will fall into place. Children who are loved, cared for and understood become adults who love, care for and understand others. They may not be model children, they definitely won’t be obedient robots, but they will learn the right behavior by wanting to be like the parents they love and admire.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
If you want to learn more about building relationships with your children and alternatives to punishment, please join us for one of our parenting workshops!
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