I’ve had enough of the self-help movement. And I say this with full acknowledgement of my role in it. This movement is not there to help you. It is there to make money. It is an industry and a very fast growing one at that. Why? Why is it one of the fastest growing industries worldwide? Because we all think we’re messed up. We all think we’re not good enough. We all think we need to improve, get better, do more, sort ourselves out. Enough!
I’ve recently taken some time out from doing what I normally do and this has given me some space to reflect. If you’re ever feeling very stable and confident and on top of your life in general, I recommend immigration to stir things up again.
I went from what felt like the peak of my game – running a relatively successful business, doing regular TV and radio slots, being interviewed for articles, family life running smoothly, good routine… And then suddenly I was in this different life… Doing a job I had no idea how to do, in an industry where I didn’t understand the jargon at all, right at the bottom, far from my family and feeling so completely unsure of myself – who I am, what is meaningful, my basic worth as a human being. You see I’d tied so much of my worth into what I do in my career that I’d forgotten about the basic human worth bestowed on us just for being.
And I realised I had been part of perpetuating this in the world. This idea that we need to work on ourselves, that we need to do something meaningful in the world. That we need to be better - better parents, better spouses, better communicators, better friends, healthier, fitter, that we need to improve our mental health, our financial health, that we need to find and embrace our path and our purpose.
And this is the big lie. The one we’ve been buying into for years. That we have some incredible destiny that MUST be fulfilled. That living an ordinary life is a cop out – that it is wasting your God-given gifts, that you have an obligation to figure out your purpose and then do amazing things in the world.
I love this quote by Osho:
“You are not created for any purpose. And it is good that you are not created for any purpose; otherwise you would be a machine. A machine is created for some purpose. Man is not created for some purpose – no! Man is just the outflowing, overflowing creation. Everything simply is. Flowers are there and stars are there and you are there. Everything is just an overflowing, a joy, a celebration of existence without any purpose”.
All purpose is concerned with the future. The only moment you have for sure is this one. Where is this fame now? Is your life not meaningful right now? The only meaning it can possibly have is in this moment.
If you are doing something you love. Great. If not, it's that subtle idea that you should be that stops you from loving what is right now. And your life is now. This isn't a dress rehearsal for a future moment. This is the moment. And there's nothing wrong with it unless you start thinking that there is. All your problems are in your mind. Your life is already perfect. Already worthwhile. Right now.
Whatever it is you want to achieve - better parenting, fame, money… what do you think it will bring you? Happiness? Peace? These are only things that you can experience now. If you can't, then what makes you think that once you have what you're striving for that you'll be able to experience them then?
And usually what we're looking for is some emotional gain. Emotions will come and go. All of them. Regardless of how many goals you achieve or not.
You have no purpose; there is nothing you have to do. You can't fail to fulfill your destiny. You are a human being not a human doing. Your small life is significant. Just like every ant or leaf or child makes the world what it is. We can't all be superstars. We can’t all be super wealthy. We can’t all be brilliant parents. We can’t all be incredible inventors. We have this obsession with trying to be more. The world is telling us just to be me is not enough. I must do something spectacular with my life otherwise I have failed.
I think of it like in movies. I don't only want to watch superhero movies. They become clichéd and boring. I love those Australian films with little people and their struggles. These are beautiful touching stories. Like your story. They don't need to be Hollywood blockbusters to be worthwhile. Everyone has a story. And everyone's story is filled with love and drama and heartache and treachery and intrigue and beauty and magic and splendour. There are no stories without dark bits. Imagine a movie where nothing happens. Where everyone is just happy and at peace and getting along. No. A good movie is one that moves you deeply emotionally. Brings out laughter and tears and terror. So don't think the self-help movement will remove your darkness. It can't.
I keep the symbol of the Tai Chi with me always. Most people know this as the Yin and Yang and think that it's called that and that its essence is the black and white. It isn't. It's called the Tai Chi and its essence is the circle. That's who you really are. The black and white is the ever changing nature of this world. Sometimes you are good sometimes bad sometimes sick sometimes healthy sometimes kind sometimes cruel. You can't escape this. No self-help course is going to magically remove you from the laws of the universe. You will always still have both sadness and happiness, good days and bad, self-confidence and self-doubt. But the essence of the Tai Chi is the circle. The never changing circle that contains it. That circle represents the true story. That you are the vessels that contains all that light and dark. But the circle is perfect. You are perfect whichever way that pendulum is swinging right now. You are already whole exactly as you are. You are already enough.
No matter how much you work on yourself you will continue to have illness and drama and nastiness and bad moods and tragedy in your life. This doesn't mean you have failed. This doesn't mean you are less enlightened. This doesn't mean you need to work harder or you still need to change or fix or improve yourself.
I'm not even saying you shouldn't engage with the self-help movement if you want to. Just notice the spirit with which you engage. Are you coming to that book or course or workshop with a fundamental feeling that there is something wrong with you? And are you being engaged with by the person selling it like you need to improve or change to be OK. Watch out for subtle judgements that who you are right now is not enough. Particularly when it comes to health. That you wouldn't get that cancer or have that arthritis if you did the work on yourself. That subtly you are to blame for your own troubles. No. Cancer happens. Arthritis happens. Shit happens. You are not to blame and you are not imperfect or in need of improving because of it. You are whole. With your cancer. With your dark side. You need both yin and yang. You cannot escape. You cannot control it. There is no blame. It is all part of the beautiful story of your life.
Your small ordinary life is so spectacularly beautiful. You have no idea how lucky you are to be alive.
For you to be sitting here reading this today your whole life needs to have happened. And mine. Your parents must have met and procreated. And mine. And our grandparents and great grandparents. If my great grandparents hadn't fled Russia in the revolution I wouldn't be here. So the revolution had to happen and all the other historical events that shaped our families lives. If you keep going back you'll see that the whole history of the universe had to happen for you and I to be here today. Your life is already meaningful. You don't have to do anything to make it so.
So fuck the self-help movement. Ditch that course, don’t buy that next book, get a refund on that workshop. Go spend your money on a fabulous holiday instead or spend time in nature or with your kids. Or just be. Doing whatever you are doing right now. It's all good.
In the words of my favourite philosopher and poet Wu Hsin. “The outcome of seeing clearly can be stated in a single sentence. There is nothing wrong.”
I went from what felt like the peak of my game – running a relatively successful business, doing regular TV and radio slots, being interviewed for articles, family life running smoothly, good routine… And then suddenly I was in this different life… Doing a job I had no idea how to do, in an industry where I didn’t understand the jargon at all, right at the bottom, far from my family and feeling so completely unsure of myself – who I am, what is meaningful, my basic worth as a human being. You see I’d tied so much of my worth into what I do in my career that I’d forgotten about the basic human worth bestowed on us just for being.
And I realised I had been part of perpetuating this in the world. This idea that we need to work on ourselves, that we need to do something meaningful in the world. That we need to be better - better parents, better spouses, better communicators, better friends, healthier, fitter, that we need to improve our mental health, our financial health, that we need to find and embrace our path and our purpose.
And this is the big lie. The one we’ve been buying into for years. That we have some incredible destiny that MUST be fulfilled. That living an ordinary life is a cop out – that it is wasting your God-given gifts, that you have an obligation to figure out your purpose and then do amazing things in the world.
I love this quote by Osho:
“You are not created for any purpose. And it is good that you are not created for any purpose; otherwise you would be a machine. A machine is created for some purpose. Man is not created for some purpose – no! Man is just the outflowing, overflowing creation. Everything simply is. Flowers are there and stars are there and you are there. Everything is just an overflowing, a joy, a celebration of existence without any purpose”.
All purpose is concerned with the future. The only moment you have for sure is this one. Where is this fame now? Is your life not meaningful right now? The only meaning it can possibly have is in this moment.
If you are doing something you love. Great. If not, it's that subtle idea that you should be that stops you from loving what is right now. And your life is now. This isn't a dress rehearsal for a future moment. This is the moment. And there's nothing wrong with it unless you start thinking that there is. All your problems are in your mind. Your life is already perfect. Already worthwhile. Right now.
Whatever it is you want to achieve - better parenting, fame, money… what do you think it will bring you? Happiness? Peace? These are only things that you can experience now. If you can't, then what makes you think that once you have what you're striving for that you'll be able to experience them then?
And usually what we're looking for is some emotional gain. Emotions will come and go. All of them. Regardless of how many goals you achieve or not.
You have no purpose; there is nothing you have to do. You can't fail to fulfill your destiny. You are a human being not a human doing. Your small life is significant. Just like every ant or leaf or child makes the world what it is. We can't all be superstars. We can’t all be super wealthy. We can’t all be brilliant parents. We can’t all be incredible inventors. We have this obsession with trying to be more. The world is telling us just to be me is not enough. I must do something spectacular with my life otherwise I have failed.
I think of it like in movies. I don't only want to watch superhero movies. They become clichéd and boring. I love those Australian films with little people and their struggles. These are beautiful touching stories. Like your story. They don't need to be Hollywood blockbusters to be worthwhile. Everyone has a story. And everyone's story is filled with love and drama and heartache and treachery and intrigue and beauty and magic and splendour. There are no stories without dark bits. Imagine a movie where nothing happens. Where everyone is just happy and at peace and getting along. No. A good movie is one that moves you deeply emotionally. Brings out laughter and tears and terror. So don't think the self-help movement will remove your darkness. It can't.
I keep the symbol of the Tai Chi with me always. Most people know this as the Yin and Yang and think that it's called that and that its essence is the black and white. It isn't. It's called the Tai Chi and its essence is the circle. That's who you really are. The black and white is the ever changing nature of this world. Sometimes you are good sometimes bad sometimes sick sometimes healthy sometimes kind sometimes cruel. You can't escape this. No self-help course is going to magically remove you from the laws of the universe. You will always still have both sadness and happiness, good days and bad, self-confidence and self-doubt. But the essence of the Tai Chi is the circle. The never changing circle that contains it. That circle represents the true story. That you are the vessels that contains all that light and dark. But the circle is perfect. You are perfect whichever way that pendulum is swinging right now. You are already whole exactly as you are. You are already enough.
No matter how much you work on yourself you will continue to have illness and drama and nastiness and bad moods and tragedy in your life. This doesn't mean you have failed. This doesn't mean you are less enlightened. This doesn't mean you need to work harder or you still need to change or fix or improve yourself.
I'm not even saying you shouldn't engage with the self-help movement if you want to. Just notice the spirit with which you engage. Are you coming to that book or course or workshop with a fundamental feeling that there is something wrong with you? And are you being engaged with by the person selling it like you need to improve or change to be OK. Watch out for subtle judgements that who you are right now is not enough. Particularly when it comes to health. That you wouldn't get that cancer or have that arthritis if you did the work on yourself. That subtly you are to blame for your own troubles. No. Cancer happens. Arthritis happens. Shit happens. You are not to blame and you are not imperfect or in need of improving because of it. You are whole. With your cancer. With your dark side. You need both yin and yang. You cannot escape. You cannot control it. There is no blame. It is all part of the beautiful story of your life.
Your small ordinary life is so spectacularly beautiful. You have no idea how lucky you are to be alive.
For you to be sitting here reading this today your whole life needs to have happened. And mine. Your parents must have met and procreated. And mine. And our grandparents and great grandparents. If my great grandparents hadn't fled Russia in the revolution I wouldn't be here. So the revolution had to happen and all the other historical events that shaped our families lives. If you keep going back you'll see that the whole history of the universe had to happen for you and I to be here today. Your life is already meaningful. You don't have to do anything to make it so.
So fuck the self-help movement. Ditch that course, don’t buy that next book, get a refund on that workshop. Go spend your money on a fabulous holiday instead or spend time in nature or with your kids. Or just be. Doing whatever you are doing right now. It's all good.
In the words of my favourite philosopher and poet Wu Hsin. “The outcome of seeing clearly can be stated in a single sentence. There is nothing wrong.”
In the spirit of this newsletter, all my online courses are free today. Please follow the links below. Happy New Year.
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