The questions we ask ourselves are very important in terms of what we focus on in our lives, which in turn determines the quality of the life we end up living. In parenting, however, we often ask the wrong questions, questions that lead us down the rabbit hole of guilt, fear, inadequacy, and overwhelm. We tend to ask what we can do to be a better parent (implying that we’re not good enough). We ponder over what discipline practices we need to change or improve or which routines to implement or abandon (creating doubt in our minds about what we’re doing that our children inevitably pick up on). We may want to know which parenting approach to follow (suggesting that there is, in fact, one way that is better than all the others).
There is no right or wrong way. In fact, in this case, the whole question needs to be thrown out...
There is no right or wrong way. In fact, in this case, the whole question needs to be thrown out...
Parenting is not about doing. It's about being. First you need to be present. You can't be a parent without the being part. Most of us are simply not there. We are vacant. Lost in thought and lost in doing. We are robots going through the motions of parenting while focusing on other things. And then parenting becomes suffering for us and our children.
Even if you choose the best possible parenting approach (and there are some that are better than others), if you are not there to implement it then it is meaningless. Your children need you. Your very being. Your presence. Only then can you make a difference in their lives. And then it doesn't matter nearly so much what you do.
Misbehaviour is an extremely complex subject, but at its essence it is always a cry for attention. Usually your attention - for you to be present and aware. Every act of misbehaviour is your child (and life) screaming out for you to be fully here, meeting the moment as it is.
And all punishment is a reaction. Reactions are programmed and unconscious and will never ultimately have the effect you're looking for. They are both a sign and a symptom of disconnection. From yourself. From your child. And from life.
So my prescription for this parenting malady is this very wise piece of advice from The White Rabbit:
Don’t just do something; stand there.
We tend to rush, blindly, into action at the slightest provocation. Our baby cries and we rush in to comfort. Our little ones fall over and we race to pick them up and kiss them better. Our teenagers slam doors and we march over to give them a lecture on respect.
Should we never comfort, kiss better or admonish behaviour that bothers us? Not necessarily. The response is less important than the fact that it is genuinely a response and not a reaction. So pause. Don’t do anything. Just stand there. Allow a moment to pass while you connect in to yourself. Make sure you are fully there. Make sure that your reaction is justified. Search yourself for signs of being triggered by your own issues that have nothing to do with your kids (a bad day at the office, a lingering headache, a past trauma that has never been looked at). Check in with yourself that what you’re planning on doing isn’t just a programmed reaction that you picked up from your own parents.
This only needs to take a moment. And it doesn’t require much thought. What it does require is the commitment to standing still and doing nothing, just breathing and being, so that you can engage with your child with your full presence.
What you may find in this stillness is that everything is ok exactly as it is. Babies cry, children fall, adolescents struggle with regulating emotions. None of these situations necessarily require us to do anything.
In that moment of doing nothing, you may find that your baby stops crying and falls back asleep, that your child brushes off his scraped knee and carries on playing, that your teen calms down and offers a genuine apology. Or not.
This is not about running away or shirking responsibility. You are there. That is what matters. You are present and available should you be needed. If your baby continues to cry, you will be in a better frame of mind to assess what she is crying about. If your fallen child needs to be taken for stitches you will be calm enough to drive him there and encourage him through the experience. If you haven’t created more distance with your teen by unnecessary lectures, you will be present for a real conversation around how she feels and how you feel and how you can help each other to live amicably together.
Standing there and doing nothing is the highest form of action. It requires self-discipline and restraint and such genuine care for yourself and your child and life that you want to embrace every moment and experience it to its fullest. The right thing to do in each situation with your unique child and unique life circumstances, will differ from year to year, from day to day, and from moment to moment. If you’re not fully there to assess and observe the situation with clarity, how could you possibly know which course of action to take? Only by being a parent can you truly do the right thing.
Even if you choose the best possible parenting approach (and there are some that are better than others), if you are not there to implement it then it is meaningless. Your children need you. Your very being. Your presence. Only then can you make a difference in their lives. And then it doesn't matter nearly so much what you do.
Misbehaviour is an extremely complex subject, but at its essence it is always a cry for attention. Usually your attention - for you to be present and aware. Every act of misbehaviour is your child (and life) screaming out for you to be fully here, meeting the moment as it is.
And all punishment is a reaction. Reactions are programmed and unconscious and will never ultimately have the effect you're looking for. They are both a sign and a symptom of disconnection. From yourself. From your child. And from life.
So my prescription for this parenting malady is this very wise piece of advice from The White Rabbit:
Don’t just do something; stand there.
We tend to rush, blindly, into action at the slightest provocation. Our baby cries and we rush in to comfort. Our little ones fall over and we race to pick them up and kiss them better. Our teenagers slam doors and we march over to give them a lecture on respect.
Should we never comfort, kiss better or admonish behaviour that bothers us? Not necessarily. The response is less important than the fact that it is genuinely a response and not a reaction. So pause. Don’t do anything. Just stand there. Allow a moment to pass while you connect in to yourself. Make sure you are fully there. Make sure that your reaction is justified. Search yourself for signs of being triggered by your own issues that have nothing to do with your kids (a bad day at the office, a lingering headache, a past trauma that has never been looked at). Check in with yourself that what you’re planning on doing isn’t just a programmed reaction that you picked up from your own parents.
This only needs to take a moment. And it doesn’t require much thought. What it does require is the commitment to standing still and doing nothing, just breathing and being, so that you can engage with your child with your full presence.
What you may find in this stillness is that everything is ok exactly as it is. Babies cry, children fall, adolescents struggle with regulating emotions. None of these situations necessarily require us to do anything.
In that moment of doing nothing, you may find that your baby stops crying and falls back asleep, that your child brushes off his scraped knee and carries on playing, that your teen calms down and offers a genuine apology. Or not.
This is not about running away or shirking responsibility. You are there. That is what matters. You are present and available should you be needed. If your baby continues to cry, you will be in a better frame of mind to assess what she is crying about. If your fallen child needs to be taken for stitches you will be calm enough to drive him there and encourage him through the experience. If you haven’t created more distance with your teen by unnecessary lectures, you will be present for a real conversation around how she feels and how you feel and how you can help each other to live amicably together.
Standing there and doing nothing is the highest form of action. It requires self-discipline and restraint and such genuine care for yourself and your child and life that you want to embrace every moment and experience it to its fullest. The right thing to do in each situation with your unique child and unique life circumstances, will differ from year to year, from day to day, and from moment to moment. If you’re not fully there to assess and observe the situation with clarity, how could you possibly know which course of action to take? Only by being a parent can you truly do the right thing.
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