Does your child get overanxious before a test or sport or theatre performance? Do you find that they are irritable, struggle to concentrate and have unusually frequent stomach-aches?
I think most kids have some degree of performance anxiety these days - it's a symptom of all the pressure they're under. Our children are severely overscheduled (as are most of us adults), and when we’re under stress we go into the “fight or flight” mode that is life-saving in short-term life-threatening situations (like being chased by a lion) but not so healthy in dealing with daily life!
I think most kids have some degree of performance anxiety these days - it's a symptom of all the pressure they're under. Our children are severely overscheduled (as are most of us adults), and when we’re under stress we go into the “fight or flight” mode that is life-saving in short-term life-threatening situations (like being chased by a lion) but not so healthy in dealing with daily life!
Keep in mind that part of what this fight or flight system does is to shut down the immune system, send blood away from vital organs to the periphery (thereby hampering important functions like digestion), and sends blood away from our higher thinking areas into the parts of our brain that deal with reflexes. All of these functions make it harder for the child with performance anxiety to actually perform!
All kids need an opportunity to be valued for who they are and not what they can do, and with their current schedules they hardly get a chance to experience this. So what can we do to bring those stress levels down and get our little ones back into their natural state of relaxation?
Some of the basics include:
Making sure that you tell them how much you love and appreciate them often, and particularly when they are not doing anything -i.e. when they’re just lying around on the couch or climbing into bed etc.
Limit your praise when they do something well. We naturally want to go overboard with congratulating our kids when they perform well or do something right, but it gives the impression that to get your love and approval there is something they need to do, and can put pressure on them to do things well or not at all. Numerous studies have shown that children who are praised when they do something well are less likely to attempt something more difficult for fear of losing this “praised” status.
We need to chat to kids about failure and how important it is for learning. Tell them about the guys who discovered electricity or flight and how they tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed, but if they had become too stressed or given up where would we be today?! Schooling these days unfortunately gives kids the impression that failure is a bad thing, but no-one succeeds without first trying and failing. Chat to them often about this.
It's also worth teaching your kids some relaxation techniques – some simple breathing or visualization exercises that they can do when they are feeling stressed. There are great Meditation and Visualisation CDs out there that teach some little tricks that they can do to feel calm and safe in any situation. My kids love these and use the techniques by themselves when they start feeling out of control.
Learning to deal with stress is important for any child living in a modern fast-paced world, but it is also our responsibility as parents to reduce pressures where possible by not overscheduling ourselves or our children or expecting them to perform to win our approval.
And remember, you need to be the change you want to see in your kids!
All kids need an opportunity to be valued for who they are and not what they can do, and with their current schedules they hardly get a chance to experience this. So what can we do to bring those stress levels down and get our little ones back into their natural state of relaxation?
Some of the basics include:
Making sure that you tell them how much you love and appreciate them often, and particularly when they are not doing anything -i.e. when they’re just lying around on the couch or climbing into bed etc.
Limit your praise when they do something well. We naturally want to go overboard with congratulating our kids when they perform well or do something right, but it gives the impression that to get your love and approval there is something they need to do, and can put pressure on them to do things well or not at all. Numerous studies have shown that children who are praised when they do something well are less likely to attempt something more difficult for fear of losing this “praised” status.
We need to chat to kids about failure and how important it is for learning. Tell them about the guys who discovered electricity or flight and how they tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed, but if they had become too stressed or given up where would we be today?! Schooling these days unfortunately gives kids the impression that failure is a bad thing, but no-one succeeds without first trying and failing. Chat to them often about this.
It's also worth teaching your kids some relaxation techniques – some simple breathing or visualization exercises that they can do when they are feeling stressed. There are great Meditation and Visualisation CDs out there that teach some little tricks that they can do to feel calm and safe in any situation. My kids love these and use the techniques by themselves when they start feeling out of control.
Learning to deal with stress is important for any child living in a modern fast-paced world, but it is also our responsibility as parents to reduce pressures where possible by not overscheduling ourselves or our children or expecting them to perform to win our approval.
And remember, you need to be the change you want to see in your kids!
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