We all have basic human needs – we need fresh air, sunlight, food, water and rest. We also have basic psychological needs that are as essential as our physical ones; needs that if not fulfilled will literally cause us to wither away and die. These needs are so important that we will unconsciously fulfill them in any way we can – if we can’t find a positive way to fulfill them we will fulfill them in a negative way rather than leaving them unfulfilled.
Unfortunately as parents we often abandon our own needs in favour of caring for our kids and unconsciously end up using our children to fulfill those psychological necessities that are otherwise lacking.
Unfortunately as parents we often abandon our own needs in favour of caring for our kids and unconsciously end up using our children to fulfill those psychological necessities that are otherwise lacking.
We all have some fundamentals that need to be taken care of:
The need for certainty – to know that everything is taken care of, that we have some routine and a roof over our heads and to know where our next meal is coming from.
The need for variety – to have some challenges and excitement and a break from routine; to have a little bit of spice in our lives.
The need for significance – to know that we are important, that we stand out, that we have a purpose and that we are noticed and unique.
The need for love and connection – to be cared for and nurtured and to feel that we are a part of a group, society or family.
The need for growth – to grow and expand physically, mentally and spiritually.
The need for contribution – to be able to give back, to care for others and to offer a helping hand.
What the majority of us (particularly mothers) do when we become parents is to give up our careers, hobbies, friends and interests and then replace the psychological satisfaction that we get from these things with our children and their needs.
At its most basic level, we simply plod along and only feel the real devastating effects of this when our children eventually leave home (or when they distance themselves from us as teenagers) and we suddenly feel empty and depressed and unable to console ourselves as we have forgotten how to fulfill our own needs.
At a more extreme level, what can happen is that we “create” so called problems in our children to fulfill unmet needs – we may, for example, fulfill our need for variety by focusing in on our child’s “many allergies” and take them on endless trips to doctors and alternative healers in our attempt to help them (and alleviate our need for some change in routine or a sense of significance or contribution!).
Our intentions, of course, are always good, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to give your child the best, but giving them the best also means giving yourself the best – taking care of your own needs will bring both you and your child psychological health and is essential for healthy relationships in the long run.
Take the six needs mentioned and make a list of all the ways that you are fulfilling these and particularly note those that you are struggling to find ways to fulfill outside of your children. Then brainstorm other ways to fulfill these and start implementing some of these changes into your life asap!
A healthy, happy parent is much more likely to raise a healthy, happy child, so be the change you want to see in your kids!!
The need for certainty – to know that everything is taken care of, that we have some routine and a roof over our heads and to know where our next meal is coming from.
The need for variety – to have some challenges and excitement and a break from routine; to have a little bit of spice in our lives.
The need for significance – to know that we are important, that we stand out, that we have a purpose and that we are noticed and unique.
The need for love and connection – to be cared for and nurtured and to feel that we are a part of a group, society or family.
The need for growth – to grow and expand physically, mentally and spiritually.
The need for contribution – to be able to give back, to care for others and to offer a helping hand.
What the majority of us (particularly mothers) do when we become parents is to give up our careers, hobbies, friends and interests and then replace the psychological satisfaction that we get from these things with our children and their needs.
At its most basic level, we simply plod along and only feel the real devastating effects of this when our children eventually leave home (or when they distance themselves from us as teenagers) and we suddenly feel empty and depressed and unable to console ourselves as we have forgotten how to fulfill our own needs.
At a more extreme level, what can happen is that we “create” so called problems in our children to fulfill unmet needs – we may, for example, fulfill our need for variety by focusing in on our child’s “many allergies” and take them on endless trips to doctors and alternative healers in our attempt to help them (and alleviate our need for some change in routine or a sense of significance or contribution!).
Our intentions, of course, are always good, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to give your child the best, but giving them the best also means giving yourself the best – taking care of your own needs will bring both you and your child psychological health and is essential for healthy relationships in the long run.
Take the six needs mentioned and make a list of all the ways that you are fulfilling these and particularly note those that you are struggling to find ways to fulfill outside of your children. Then brainstorm other ways to fulfill these and start implementing some of these changes into your life asap!
A healthy, happy parent is much more likely to raise a healthy, happy child, so be the change you want to see in your kids!!
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