This week I received an email from a father who is struggling to maintain a good relationship with his daughter while helping her with her homework. I know homework is a struggle for many parents, and I’m sure that without thinking too hard you can remember being a child and having similar issues with your own parents. Like who wants to do homework when the sun is shining and there’s fun to be had? |
Transcript of the podcast...
Here’s what he said:
“Thank you for this opportunity.
My most pressing concern right now is that my bond with my 7 year old daughter isn't as it should be.
She battles with reading and writing and I am too impatient with her when I try and help her. This makes her withdraw. She just simply believes that she cannot do it and then doesn't even want to try. Which in turn makes me upset and shout even more.
I have damaged our relationship already and I want to change it. This is not how I saw my relationship with my little girl.
How can I help her to improve her schoolwork without these constant battles?”
Well firstly, well done for acknowledging the problem. Actually most of our serious parenting issues come from the behaviours we’re doing unconsciously, so actually being present enough to notice that what you’re doing isn’t having the desired effect is the first and biggest stage of your own learning.
In terms of your daughter’s learning…
…let me tell you about a research study that I read recently. It was about kids with really bad handwriting. So they took a group of kids with terrible writing and divided them into two groups – one group got the usual teacher feedback of red lines through their work, admonitions, and pleas to try harder. With the other group, the teachers were told to ONLY focus on what the kids did right – so to underline their good words and praise them for these, to point out what they had done well – even if all they could find was one letter that was formed nicely the teacher would tell the child – look at that "a" over there, not that is a beautiful "a". They were not to comment AT ALL on their poor performance. Within two weeks the group with positive feedback had improved by 100% and the other group had degenerated.
The moral of the story is this… Focus on what is right. Success breeds success and even small successes can be noticed and celebrated. Be careful not to give blanket praise like “good job” or “well done” and to rather point out very specific things that you’ve noticed she is doing right.
Kids cannot learn under stressful situations (such as a shouting or even disapproving parent). When we are stressed, the blood vessels to our prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain used for thinking, problem solving and learning) constrict and all the blood is redirected to our hindbrains (which are purely for fight and flight reflexes). So a child who is shouted at literally CANNOT learn. It is impossible. They don't even have enough blood in the part of their brain necessary for learning. In order for your daughter to improve in her reading and writing what she needs most is not extra practice or more instruction or help, but a better learning environment. 90% of reading ability is not skill but confidence. The kids who read and write well are the ones who believe that they can.
To solve your relationship issues you need to focus on the relationship – on who your daughter is as a person, not on what she can do. We will all have areas of strength and weakness, but what everyone wants most is to be heard and understood.
So next time you sit down with her to work on homework, think about what she might be going through. This has become something that her brain automatically associates with stress and so she's stressed before you even get going which makes her more likely to get it wrong. Discuss this with her. Tell her that you realise she must be stressed about it and it isn't easy to learn to read and write, particularly at her young age. Apologise for shouting in the past and let her know that you're human and also lose your temper and get frustrated, but that you're going to try to do better, just like she is.
Then take some time for both of you to do some stress-relieving exercises – you would've got my top 5 when you signed up to my newsletter. Do some breathing, or the victory position, look up, and make sure you're both feeling relaxed to start.
Your daughter WILL learn to read and write, but at what cost. Let her learn a little more slowly, in her own time, and focus on caring about her and what she's going through. Studies show that whether a child learns to read at age 4 or age 9, their reading and comprehension levels by age 11 are exactly the same. There really is no rush, other than the unnecessary pressure that the school may be putting on her. A child who learns slowly, but with love, care and confidence will go on to become an adult who loves reading. One who learns under stress will always associate reading with pain and this is much more likely to squash their overall educational achievements in the long run.
And be gentle and kind to yourself too – new parenting doesn't happen overnight and you will find times when you have other things on your mind and your stress levels are higher and you crack. This is normal. Stop. Take a few deep breaths. And apologise. Children learn a lot from our mistakes and how we handle them!
I wish you lots of love and patience along the way – with yourself and your daughter!
If you do feel like you need any further help, get in touch. I do Skype calls with parents like you every day and we generally manage to resolve most parenting issues in a call or two.
Here’s what he said:
“Thank you for this opportunity.
My most pressing concern right now is that my bond with my 7 year old daughter isn't as it should be.
She battles with reading and writing and I am too impatient with her when I try and help her. This makes her withdraw. She just simply believes that she cannot do it and then doesn't even want to try. Which in turn makes me upset and shout even more.
I have damaged our relationship already and I want to change it. This is not how I saw my relationship with my little girl.
How can I help her to improve her schoolwork without these constant battles?”
Well firstly, well done for acknowledging the problem. Actually most of our serious parenting issues come from the behaviours we’re doing unconsciously, so actually being present enough to notice that what you’re doing isn’t having the desired effect is the first and biggest stage of your own learning.
In terms of your daughter’s learning…
…let me tell you about a research study that I read recently. It was about kids with really bad handwriting. So they took a group of kids with terrible writing and divided them into two groups – one group got the usual teacher feedback of red lines through their work, admonitions, and pleas to try harder. With the other group, the teachers were told to ONLY focus on what the kids did right – so to underline their good words and praise them for these, to point out what they had done well – even if all they could find was one letter that was formed nicely the teacher would tell the child – look at that "a" over there, not that is a beautiful "a". They were not to comment AT ALL on their poor performance. Within two weeks the group with positive feedback had improved by 100% and the other group had degenerated.
The moral of the story is this… Focus on what is right. Success breeds success and even small successes can be noticed and celebrated. Be careful not to give blanket praise like “good job” or “well done” and to rather point out very specific things that you’ve noticed she is doing right.
Kids cannot learn under stressful situations (such as a shouting or even disapproving parent). When we are stressed, the blood vessels to our prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain used for thinking, problem solving and learning) constrict and all the blood is redirected to our hindbrains (which are purely for fight and flight reflexes). So a child who is shouted at literally CANNOT learn. It is impossible. They don't even have enough blood in the part of their brain necessary for learning. In order for your daughter to improve in her reading and writing what she needs most is not extra practice or more instruction or help, but a better learning environment. 90% of reading ability is not skill but confidence. The kids who read and write well are the ones who believe that they can.
To solve your relationship issues you need to focus on the relationship – on who your daughter is as a person, not on what she can do. We will all have areas of strength and weakness, but what everyone wants most is to be heard and understood.
So next time you sit down with her to work on homework, think about what she might be going through. This has become something that her brain automatically associates with stress and so she's stressed before you even get going which makes her more likely to get it wrong. Discuss this with her. Tell her that you realise she must be stressed about it and it isn't easy to learn to read and write, particularly at her young age. Apologise for shouting in the past and let her know that you're human and also lose your temper and get frustrated, but that you're going to try to do better, just like she is.
Then take some time for both of you to do some stress-relieving exercises – you would've got my top 5 when you signed up to my newsletter. Do some breathing, or the victory position, look up, and make sure you're both feeling relaxed to start.
Your daughter WILL learn to read and write, but at what cost. Let her learn a little more slowly, in her own time, and focus on caring about her and what she's going through. Studies show that whether a child learns to read at age 4 or age 9, their reading and comprehension levels by age 11 are exactly the same. There really is no rush, other than the unnecessary pressure that the school may be putting on her. A child who learns slowly, but with love, care and confidence will go on to become an adult who loves reading. One who learns under stress will always associate reading with pain and this is much more likely to squash their overall educational achievements in the long run.
And be gentle and kind to yourself too – new parenting doesn't happen overnight and you will find times when you have other things on your mind and your stress levels are higher and you crack. This is normal. Stop. Take a few deep breaths. And apologise. Children learn a lot from our mistakes and how we handle them!
I wish you lots of love and patience along the way – with yourself and your daughter!
If you do feel like you need any further help, get in touch. I do Skype calls with parents like you every day and we generally manage to resolve most parenting issues in a call or two.