 | Hi there. In Present Moment Parenting today we are going to tackle the battle of the wills. How can you get done what needs to be done and respectfully acknowledge your child's emotions. This is the question I received.. |
Transcript of podcast...
My daughter has recently begun what mainstream calls "terrible two’s". I know they aren't really terrible as these little one are going through major growth and changes and beginning to come more into their bodies and feel more deeply.
I could do with a few tools around this.
My little one is generally a very happy young lady, lately she has been demonstrating crying fits over the littlest things.
Usually I acknowledge what’s upsetting her and I try to make it right or ask her what i can do.
Sometimes for example it’s that she wants to watch TV at 2pm and that’s not ok with me so the answer is no and it’s not negotiable on my end. She has a total melt down and I don't give in but I try to offer other things she could do instead. This doesn’t work at all. And sometimes its 30 or 40 mins out of my work day (I work from home) to manage this.
Another example is when I put her in her car seat, she refuses to put on the shoulder straps in her car seat she will only allow me to buckle the waist straps. I've explained and explain to her why we do it but to get those straps on I basically have to pin her down and force her to put her straps on. this inevitable makes me late for everything as it’s a fight each time. I've told her that I leave her behind but NOTHING I’ve tried works. In the event that I do get her straps on she has got her arms out in no time at all (possibly a design fault of the car seat) but alas my struggle goes on.
At the end of these battles I feel angry because either I'm running extremely late or I feel bad about the lack of safety or the loss of my working hours.
How can I handle these situations better?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if when we had a child the whole world just stopped for 18 years and we could focus solely on raising our child? That work and cooking and errands and other family crises just took care of themselves? If we could take as long as our child needed every time they cried or needed attention to just sit with them and work through those difficult feelings?
I think that sometimes respectful parenting is portrayed this way and those of us with jobs and chores and other commitments end up feeling bad for having to push our little ones to move on when they're not yet done expressing themselves.
And yet, this is life. It doesn't stop when we need to meltdown. .. not at 2 or at 22 or at 92. And that's OK. The world can keep moving while we stand still. It's something our children will learn.
Being respectful does not mean being a slave to someone else's emotions. If you have the time to sit quietly with your child and support her while she releases all those pent up emotions then that is wonderful. She does sound like there's some stuff she needs to work through.
But… Clearly 40 minutes out of your work day is not ok for you. So this is not the time to do this. It is perfectly acceptable to tell her that you can hear that she is having a hard time hearing “no” AND that you will now be going back to your work knowing just how upset she is. She doesn't need you to solve the problem for her, just to acknowledge that she really really wants to watch TV and it's very frustrating when she can't do what she wants.
What she might also be wanting is some attention from you and this meltdown over the TV gives her just that... 40 minutes of your undivided attention. Ideally we don't want to encourage this. So let's see if we can give her what she needs in a way that also respects you and what you need to accomplish in a day.
Find times in your day when you need to take a break anyway and then use those times to really connect with her. Give her the undivided attention she wants from you. It doesn't have to be for long but you can't be distracted by other things. Then let her know when you'll be back for your next check in. Give her a time frame that will make sense to her...
like after her nap or just before lunch etc. Make clear that those are the times you are available and you look forward to connecting with her.
She needs enough of your presence and connection in a day to fill up her love tank but you don't need to feel guilty for having boundaries with your time. You need to work. How else is the money going to come in to keep a roof over her head and food in her tummy. Emotions are important but so are physical needs. You're teaching her to respect you and your needs too, which in turn will help her as she grows up to respect her own boundaries. Often when you see older children who are bullied it's because they haven't learned how to put boundaries in place, how to say “no” and mean it. They need to learn this from somewhere and we are the best people to model this for our kids.
Just as work time and screen time are non-negotiable so is being strapped in a car seat. It is a safety concern. I would definitely look into getting another car seat. Ask around other mums and find out which one works best. Think of it as an investment in yourself and your work. You can't have a child wriggling out of her seat and you also can't be late to every meeting you need to attend. Deal with the practical stuff first.
I've yet to meet a toddler who loves to be strapped in. It's not nice. It restricts your movements and what do toddlers like to do more than move? The seats are not always that comfy, the straps are scratchy, it gets hot and sticky and you can't move position. She needs to know that you know that this is a horrible situation for her. It is. Don't just give lip service to that... genuinely get into her frame of mind and imagine being forced into doing something so physically uncomfortable on a daily basis. When we really empathise with someone else we’re often in a better position to find a way through the situation without fighting.
If you can leave her behind then do. I wouldn't use this as a threat but as a genuine option.. if it is one. We tend to think that our kids need to get out and about and get lots of stimulation from the world but in truth they're learning so much at this age and everything is new and overwhelming so often less is more. A simple structured life at home gives them ample opportunity to master the skills they're currently working on.
If you need to take her with you because there's nobody at home to leave her with then again your boundaries become important. This needs to happen. And it needs to happen now. Schedule into your own day enough time to get going so it doesn't have to be a mad rush. Child time is slower than our time and we need to respect this. Let her know in advance what will be happening... in 10 minutes were going to get in the car and drive to granny's house (or wherever you're going). Tell her that there are time constraints and lay out for her exactly what is going to happen. "We're going to get in the car and I am going to strap you in properly so that you are safe". If we tell our children what we expect and expect them to cooperate then it's easier for them to do this. They need to know what you want and that you're confident to follow through with this. When it's time to leave offer her the option of getting in her car seat herself or having your help. If she doesn't get in then let her know that you're going to be helping and put her in. No negotiating. Then as you drive chat to her about how she's feeling or just let her cry and acknowledge her frustration and anger.
I found with my girls that having some calming music in the car also helped. I'll add some links here to tracks I found that change our brainwaves to a theta state... even if it just helps to calm you... if you're calm you can draw her into your calm instead of having her draw you into her chaos.
LINK: Marconi Union, Weightless
LINK: The Silence of Peace
There are four things we need to be cognisant of in any interaction with our kids... presence, connection, acceptance and emulation. Be present with her as much as you can and she won't need to act out to get your attention. Make a friendly connection with her before directing or expecting anything. Accept the situation and all the feelings that go along with that. And then be the change you want to see in your child. If you want her to respect your boundaries, make sure that you are respecting them first.
Every stage of parenting has its own challenges. The two year old battle of wills will pass and new challenges will arise. It's all part of the journey and this phase is not better or worse than any other. Your daughter is behaving exactly as she should for her age and stage of development. Coping with this is a learning process for any parent. And just as you master it she will move on to something new. Our best tool as parents is to develop a sense of humour about this and try to enjoy each new stage while we're in it. As hard as it seems I guarantee that in 10 year’s time you'll be looking back at it with a mixture of laughter and nostalgia.
Thank you for listening. If you would like your parenting questions answered please send them to [email protected]. if you feel like you need a reset on your life and parenting then consider taking my online course The Parenting Breakthrough Experience.
Best of luck to you all.
My daughter has recently begun what mainstream calls "terrible two’s". I know they aren't really terrible as these little one are going through major growth and changes and beginning to come more into their bodies and feel more deeply.
I could do with a few tools around this.
My little one is generally a very happy young lady, lately she has been demonstrating crying fits over the littlest things.
Usually I acknowledge what’s upsetting her and I try to make it right or ask her what i can do.
Sometimes for example it’s that she wants to watch TV at 2pm and that’s not ok with me so the answer is no and it’s not negotiable on my end. She has a total melt down and I don't give in but I try to offer other things she could do instead. This doesn’t work at all. And sometimes its 30 or 40 mins out of my work day (I work from home) to manage this.
Another example is when I put her in her car seat, she refuses to put on the shoulder straps in her car seat she will only allow me to buckle the waist straps. I've explained and explain to her why we do it but to get those straps on I basically have to pin her down and force her to put her straps on. this inevitable makes me late for everything as it’s a fight each time. I've told her that I leave her behind but NOTHING I’ve tried works. In the event that I do get her straps on she has got her arms out in no time at all (possibly a design fault of the car seat) but alas my struggle goes on.
At the end of these battles I feel angry because either I'm running extremely late or I feel bad about the lack of safety or the loss of my working hours.
How can I handle these situations better?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if when we had a child the whole world just stopped for 18 years and we could focus solely on raising our child? That work and cooking and errands and other family crises just took care of themselves? If we could take as long as our child needed every time they cried or needed attention to just sit with them and work through those difficult feelings?
I think that sometimes respectful parenting is portrayed this way and those of us with jobs and chores and other commitments end up feeling bad for having to push our little ones to move on when they're not yet done expressing themselves.
And yet, this is life. It doesn't stop when we need to meltdown. .. not at 2 or at 22 or at 92. And that's OK. The world can keep moving while we stand still. It's something our children will learn.
Being respectful does not mean being a slave to someone else's emotions. If you have the time to sit quietly with your child and support her while she releases all those pent up emotions then that is wonderful. She does sound like there's some stuff she needs to work through.
But… Clearly 40 minutes out of your work day is not ok for you. So this is not the time to do this. It is perfectly acceptable to tell her that you can hear that she is having a hard time hearing “no” AND that you will now be going back to your work knowing just how upset she is. She doesn't need you to solve the problem for her, just to acknowledge that she really really wants to watch TV and it's very frustrating when she can't do what she wants.
What she might also be wanting is some attention from you and this meltdown over the TV gives her just that... 40 minutes of your undivided attention. Ideally we don't want to encourage this. So let's see if we can give her what she needs in a way that also respects you and what you need to accomplish in a day.
Find times in your day when you need to take a break anyway and then use those times to really connect with her. Give her the undivided attention she wants from you. It doesn't have to be for long but you can't be distracted by other things. Then let her know when you'll be back for your next check in. Give her a time frame that will make sense to her...
like after her nap or just before lunch etc. Make clear that those are the times you are available and you look forward to connecting with her.
She needs enough of your presence and connection in a day to fill up her love tank but you don't need to feel guilty for having boundaries with your time. You need to work. How else is the money going to come in to keep a roof over her head and food in her tummy. Emotions are important but so are physical needs. You're teaching her to respect you and your needs too, which in turn will help her as she grows up to respect her own boundaries. Often when you see older children who are bullied it's because they haven't learned how to put boundaries in place, how to say “no” and mean it. They need to learn this from somewhere and we are the best people to model this for our kids.
Just as work time and screen time are non-negotiable so is being strapped in a car seat. It is a safety concern. I would definitely look into getting another car seat. Ask around other mums and find out which one works best. Think of it as an investment in yourself and your work. You can't have a child wriggling out of her seat and you also can't be late to every meeting you need to attend. Deal with the practical stuff first.
I've yet to meet a toddler who loves to be strapped in. It's not nice. It restricts your movements and what do toddlers like to do more than move? The seats are not always that comfy, the straps are scratchy, it gets hot and sticky and you can't move position. She needs to know that you know that this is a horrible situation for her. It is. Don't just give lip service to that... genuinely get into her frame of mind and imagine being forced into doing something so physically uncomfortable on a daily basis. When we really empathise with someone else we’re often in a better position to find a way through the situation without fighting.
If you can leave her behind then do. I wouldn't use this as a threat but as a genuine option.. if it is one. We tend to think that our kids need to get out and about and get lots of stimulation from the world but in truth they're learning so much at this age and everything is new and overwhelming so often less is more. A simple structured life at home gives them ample opportunity to master the skills they're currently working on.
If you need to take her with you because there's nobody at home to leave her with then again your boundaries become important. This needs to happen. And it needs to happen now. Schedule into your own day enough time to get going so it doesn't have to be a mad rush. Child time is slower than our time and we need to respect this. Let her know in advance what will be happening... in 10 minutes were going to get in the car and drive to granny's house (or wherever you're going). Tell her that there are time constraints and lay out for her exactly what is going to happen. "We're going to get in the car and I am going to strap you in properly so that you are safe". If we tell our children what we expect and expect them to cooperate then it's easier for them to do this. They need to know what you want and that you're confident to follow through with this. When it's time to leave offer her the option of getting in her car seat herself or having your help. If she doesn't get in then let her know that you're going to be helping and put her in. No negotiating. Then as you drive chat to her about how she's feeling or just let her cry and acknowledge her frustration and anger.
I found with my girls that having some calming music in the car also helped. I'll add some links here to tracks I found that change our brainwaves to a theta state... even if it just helps to calm you... if you're calm you can draw her into your calm instead of having her draw you into her chaos.
LINK: Marconi Union, Weightless
LINK: The Silence of Peace
There are four things we need to be cognisant of in any interaction with our kids... presence, connection, acceptance and emulation. Be present with her as much as you can and she won't need to act out to get your attention. Make a friendly connection with her before directing or expecting anything. Accept the situation and all the feelings that go along with that. And then be the change you want to see in your child. If you want her to respect your boundaries, make sure that you are respecting them first.
Every stage of parenting has its own challenges. The two year old battle of wills will pass and new challenges will arise. It's all part of the journey and this phase is not better or worse than any other. Your daughter is behaving exactly as she should for her age and stage of development. Coping with this is a learning process for any parent. And just as you master it she will move on to something new. Our best tool as parents is to develop a sense of humour about this and try to enjoy each new stage while we're in it. As hard as it seems I guarantee that in 10 year’s time you'll be looking back at it with a mixture of laughter and nostalgia.
Thank you for listening. If you would like your parenting questions answered please send them to [email protected]. if you feel like you need a reset on your life and parenting then consider taking my online course The Parenting Breakthrough Experience.
Best of luck to you all.
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