 | Hello. This is Mia Von Scha from Transformational Parenting. And today I have a more light-hearted question about letting kids run around barefoot. Here is the email that I received: Hi Mia My son is barefoot 99% of the time. Occasionally he wears shoes if the road or other surface is hot or if he asks for them (unusual) or if we are at a park and I have seen glass on the grass (sadly this happens at parks). My question is 2 pronged... |
Transcript of the podcast...
Part A
1. On a practical level, I find it near impossible to get his feet clean! We use a gentle natural soap that doesn't get every trace of dirt off his feet. Just recently I have taken to scrubbing the feet with a face cloth in the bath with the natural soap on it (I used to just wash them with my hands). I am surprised that he lets me scrub them but he does so I do it. And that has helped a bit but traces of dirt remain. And I don't think it is today's dirt! it's months of dirt! And any day now he may say NO to the scrubbing which I will respect but then he will have even dirtier feet.
2. How do I take good care of the beautiful barefoot feet? I thought I should moisturise them - I got away with it once. Next time was a NO, I offered for him to rub the cream in himself, NO, I offered 2 different creams, NO - anyway maybe he was tired that night so I will try again. The dirty feet don't bother me at all to be honest - I love it when he has dirty feet.
Part B
He gets asked often by well-intentioned but frankly annoying nosy-parkers "where are you shoes?" "why doesn't mummy buy you shoes?" "why don't you wear shoes?" - when I can, I answer, "he prefers barefeet". Should I say anything to him about this or not? What should he or I say in those scenarios?
Well, walking barefoot is what we did for millennia before there were shoes. It gives kids better control over their foot position, better balance and proprioception, better leg and core strength, and allows the feet to grow naturally. Particularly with the way shoes are designed these days what we're doing is a modern form of Chinese foot binding.
We need to question some of the beliefs we have about the world that we've grown up with... that you get sick from being cold or that dirt is necessarily bad. Dirt is full of essential probiotics. There is research now to show a connection between playing in or digging in dirt and breathing in these probiotics and kids having less allergies, asthma and depression. So I say, ‘bring on the dirt!’
Of course you would naturally want to wash his feet in the bath but I wouldn't go overboard on the scrubbing if he doesn’t want you to. The feet need to build up a protective layer. You know how horrible your feet feel after a winter in shoes when you first step out barefoot onto a rough surface? We want to keep some of that protection and yes, it may have some dirt in it, but that really is OK. It's a conditioned adult response to want things and children squeaky clean and particularly we get attached to soft round little baby feet. But what's attractive to us and what's actually good for our children doesn't always match up. I think of how much effort we put into having well behaved kids when half the time what that actually means is that they're suppressing their real feelings in order to not disturb our neat little adult worlds. Sometimes what is best is to let in some chaos.
If your children are going to wear shoes, and as you mentioned sometimes this is essential... then look for shoes that mimic being barefoot. There is an amazing brand in South Africa called ‘Froggies’ that are designed to give you the benefits of barefoot walking with some protection from glass or heat. What you'll notice with these designs is that they are much wider so children's feet can have their natural spread that is restricted in regular shoes.
If you see my kids feet after 12 years barefoot they look like hobbits. They're wider near the toes and their toes are not all squashed together. This is essential for good balance and posture. Half of primary school aged children are in OT or physical therapy for postural issues... partly because of lack of exercise, but partly because we're forcing their little feet into shoes designed for fashion magazines rather than real people.
Now there will always be people who judge your parenting. .. whatever you are doing. 99% of the time these people mean well. Just like I do my best to listen to the real need behind a child's behaviour, I will always do my best to listen in the same way to people's criticisms. Most people are living their lives purely from their conditioning, never stopping to question it. If you look around at society there is a very strong conditioning that wearing shoes is the right thing to do. Being barefoot is simultaneously related to poverty. So when someone who can afford shoes for their child chooses not to give them shoes it feels to others like a violation of that child's right to be properly clothed.
In all situations like this you need to choose how much information to go into. If it is a family member who might bring this up regularly I'd give them a full run down on the benefits of going barefoot. Share this podcast or send them a well-researched article. If it's a stranger then just brush it off with them as you have been doing by telling them that is what he prefers (as long as it is what he prefers and he always has choices so that he doesn’t feel that you are speaking about what you prefer).
With your son however you can just have a casual conversation at another time... remind him of the incident and let him know that not everyone knows how amazing it is to be barefoot and that his body is his to decide what to do with. Body autonomy is such an important concept that we could do an entire podcast just on that. Our children need to know that whatever other people think or however much they try to determine what we do with our bodies – the choice ultimately lies with us. We must never be guilted or manipulated into doing something with our bodies that we do not want to do or that feels uncomfortable to us. Here I applaud you on respecting your son’s ‘no’ when he doesn’t want cream on his feet.
In all situations with other people judging your parenting, if you are sure of what you're doing then your son will pick up on your confidence and the inability of other people to ruffle your feathers when they don't agree with your choices.
I know I had a lot if negativity directed at me with my children because they were almost always barefoot. It was usually worst in the winter when other people were fighting with their children to put shoes on and forcing them to do this regardless of how it made the child feel. Then they would see my kids barefoot and they had to fight with me to justify the fight they were having with their own children.
That’s ok. I learned not to take this personally and to keep doing what I felt in my own heart was right. All human actions are motivated by love or fear. So these nosy-parkers are either caring so much about your child that they want the best for him, or they’re afraid of what might happen to him or even afraid of the choices they are making with their own children and reacting from that. Either way, we can have compassion for them and thank them for their input whilst also supporting our child, ourselves and our own choices. That could look something like “Thank you so much for your interest in my child’s wellbeing. He really loves being barefoot and I am choosing to trust that when he wants to wear shoes he will ask. I also certainly wouldn’t have him out barefoot if I thought it may be harmful to him, but I appreciate your concern.”
I hope that helps, and I hope that you and your son enjoy many more days of free happy feet!
If you have any further questions, please pop me an email to [email protected] and please do join us on our mailing list or Facebook page so that you don’t miss any of our podcasts. I look forward to connecting with you there.
Part A
1. On a practical level, I find it near impossible to get his feet clean! We use a gentle natural soap that doesn't get every trace of dirt off his feet. Just recently I have taken to scrubbing the feet with a face cloth in the bath with the natural soap on it (I used to just wash them with my hands). I am surprised that he lets me scrub them but he does so I do it. And that has helped a bit but traces of dirt remain. And I don't think it is today's dirt! it's months of dirt! And any day now he may say NO to the scrubbing which I will respect but then he will have even dirtier feet.
2. How do I take good care of the beautiful barefoot feet? I thought I should moisturise them - I got away with it once. Next time was a NO, I offered for him to rub the cream in himself, NO, I offered 2 different creams, NO - anyway maybe he was tired that night so I will try again. The dirty feet don't bother me at all to be honest - I love it when he has dirty feet.
Part B
He gets asked often by well-intentioned but frankly annoying nosy-parkers "where are you shoes?" "why doesn't mummy buy you shoes?" "why don't you wear shoes?" - when I can, I answer, "he prefers barefeet". Should I say anything to him about this or not? What should he or I say in those scenarios?
Well, walking barefoot is what we did for millennia before there were shoes. It gives kids better control over their foot position, better balance and proprioception, better leg and core strength, and allows the feet to grow naturally. Particularly with the way shoes are designed these days what we're doing is a modern form of Chinese foot binding.
We need to question some of the beliefs we have about the world that we've grown up with... that you get sick from being cold or that dirt is necessarily bad. Dirt is full of essential probiotics. There is research now to show a connection between playing in or digging in dirt and breathing in these probiotics and kids having less allergies, asthma and depression. So I say, ‘bring on the dirt!’
Of course you would naturally want to wash his feet in the bath but I wouldn't go overboard on the scrubbing if he doesn’t want you to. The feet need to build up a protective layer. You know how horrible your feet feel after a winter in shoes when you first step out barefoot onto a rough surface? We want to keep some of that protection and yes, it may have some dirt in it, but that really is OK. It's a conditioned adult response to want things and children squeaky clean and particularly we get attached to soft round little baby feet. But what's attractive to us and what's actually good for our children doesn't always match up. I think of how much effort we put into having well behaved kids when half the time what that actually means is that they're suppressing their real feelings in order to not disturb our neat little adult worlds. Sometimes what is best is to let in some chaos.
If your children are going to wear shoes, and as you mentioned sometimes this is essential... then look for shoes that mimic being barefoot. There is an amazing brand in South Africa called ‘Froggies’ that are designed to give you the benefits of barefoot walking with some protection from glass or heat. What you'll notice with these designs is that they are much wider so children's feet can have their natural spread that is restricted in regular shoes.
If you see my kids feet after 12 years barefoot they look like hobbits. They're wider near the toes and their toes are not all squashed together. This is essential for good balance and posture. Half of primary school aged children are in OT or physical therapy for postural issues... partly because of lack of exercise, but partly because we're forcing their little feet into shoes designed for fashion magazines rather than real people.
Now there will always be people who judge your parenting. .. whatever you are doing. 99% of the time these people mean well. Just like I do my best to listen to the real need behind a child's behaviour, I will always do my best to listen in the same way to people's criticisms. Most people are living their lives purely from their conditioning, never stopping to question it. If you look around at society there is a very strong conditioning that wearing shoes is the right thing to do. Being barefoot is simultaneously related to poverty. So when someone who can afford shoes for their child chooses not to give them shoes it feels to others like a violation of that child's right to be properly clothed.
In all situations like this you need to choose how much information to go into. If it is a family member who might bring this up regularly I'd give them a full run down on the benefits of going barefoot. Share this podcast or send them a well-researched article. If it's a stranger then just brush it off with them as you have been doing by telling them that is what he prefers (as long as it is what he prefers and he always has choices so that he doesn’t feel that you are speaking about what you prefer).
With your son however you can just have a casual conversation at another time... remind him of the incident and let him know that not everyone knows how amazing it is to be barefoot and that his body is his to decide what to do with. Body autonomy is such an important concept that we could do an entire podcast just on that. Our children need to know that whatever other people think or however much they try to determine what we do with our bodies – the choice ultimately lies with us. We must never be guilted or manipulated into doing something with our bodies that we do not want to do or that feels uncomfortable to us. Here I applaud you on respecting your son’s ‘no’ when he doesn’t want cream on his feet.
In all situations with other people judging your parenting, if you are sure of what you're doing then your son will pick up on your confidence and the inability of other people to ruffle your feathers when they don't agree with your choices.
I know I had a lot if negativity directed at me with my children because they were almost always barefoot. It was usually worst in the winter when other people were fighting with their children to put shoes on and forcing them to do this regardless of how it made the child feel. Then they would see my kids barefoot and they had to fight with me to justify the fight they were having with their own children.
That’s ok. I learned not to take this personally and to keep doing what I felt in my own heart was right. All human actions are motivated by love or fear. So these nosy-parkers are either caring so much about your child that they want the best for him, or they’re afraid of what might happen to him or even afraid of the choices they are making with their own children and reacting from that. Either way, we can have compassion for them and thank them for their input whilst also supporting our child, ourselves and our own choices. That could look something like “Thank you so much for your interest in my child’s wellbeing. He really loves being barefoot and I am choosing to trust that when he wants to wear shoes he will ask. I also certainly wouldn’t have him out barefoot if I thought it may be harmful to him, but I appreciate your concern.”
I hope that helps, and I hope that you and your son enjoy many more days of free happy feet!
If you have any further questions, please pop me an email to [email protected] and please do join us on our mailing list or Facebook page so that you don’t miss any of our podcasts. I look forward to connecting with you there.
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