Mia Von Scha chats to Kgomotso Moncho of True Love magazine about the difference between supporting our children in their own dreams and living vicariously through them.
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I include below Kgomotso's questions and my answers for those of you who missed the article:
What does it imply when a parent has dreams for their child?
It implies two things. Firstly that the parent does not have their own dreams to focus on and is using their child to vicariously live out what they did not manage; and secondly that they have no respect for their child as a whole human being with dreams and plans of their own.
When is it good for a parent to have dreams for their child and what are the benefits?
I would say that the only time it is good for a parent to have dreams for their child is when their dreams for their child are the same dreams that the child has for themselves. Then it is incredibly beneficial as the parent can encourage, support and guide their child to achieving their dreams. It is very powerful to have someone behind you, who believes in you no matter what. However, I would caution again here that the parent be aware of what their child is going through and support them through tough times where the child may want to give up, but not force them to continue when something is no longer of interest to them.
When is it bad and what can go wrong?
You see this so often with children who are excellent in some sport, and they love it and are passionate about it, but then the parents over-push them and the kids end up with burn-out and want to give up, but feel like they are failing their parents if they do. We need to take our cues from our kids – let them decide how far to push it and when. Children who are pushed too hard too soon will often give up on something that they could have excelled in if they were left to progress at their own pace.
It is obviously bad all round if a parent is pushing their own dreams onto their children and not respecting their child's own values and interests. Often this leads to rebellion later on, and a break-down in the parent-child relationship. If not, and the child takes on the parents desires, it leads to an unfulfilled and stressful life for the child doing something that they are not really passionate about.
How can parents and their children best navigate this?
The best way to navigate this is to find out what your child's interests really are. Find out what they love to talk about, what they enjoy learning, what they fill their space with, what inspires them. Then help them to nurture their gifts and dreams by offering whatever you can in terms of guidance, emotional support, financial support, love and patience. Children's dreams will naturally change over time and in different phases of their life, but at each stage, if you embrace what it is that they really love, then you'll not only have a much better relationship (one that will support you both in whatever life brings) but will also teach them the essential lesson in success of following what you are most passionate about.
Anything else you'd like to add?
We need to stop looking at children as unformed adults and start seeing them as fully developed beings exactly as they are. Just like we would not force a friend or partner into following a certain path based on what WE think is important or worthy, we shouldn't do this to our kids. We talk about children respecting us, but then show a complete lack of respect to them by ignoring or negating what is most important to them. All children learn by imitation. If you want respect, show it. Likewise, if you want your child to be successful and really go for a dream, then you need to be doing that yourself. I think parents should stop focusing so intently on what their kids can do and how successful they can be and start practicing what they preach. Your children will learn how to pursue their own dreams and overcome obstacles by watching you do this. But they will then go ahead and do it in something that interests them – with their own natural gifts and talents.
What does it imply when a parent has dreams for their child?
It implies two things. Firstly that the parent does not have their own dreams to focus on and is using their child to vicariously live out what they did not manage; and secondly that they have no respect for their child as a whole human being with dreams and plans of their own.
When is it good for a parent to have dreams for their child and what are the benefits?
I would say that the only time it is good for a parent to have dreams for their child is when their dreams for their child are the same dreams that the child has for themselves. Then it is incredibly beneficial as the parent can encourage, support and guide their child to achieving their dreams. It is very powerful to have someone behind you, who believes in you no matter what. However, I would caution again here that the parent be aware of what their child is going through and support them through tough times where the child may want to give up, but not force them to continue when something is no longer of interest to them.
When is it bad and what can go wrong?
You see this so often with children who are excellent in some sport, and they love it and are passionate about it, but then the parents over-push them and the kids end up with burn-out and want to give up, but feel like they are failing their parents if they do. We need to take our cues from our kids – let them decide how far to push it and when. Children who are pushed too hard too soon will often give up on something that they could have excelled in if they were left to progress at their own pace.
It is obviously bad all round if a parent is pushing their own dreams onto their children and not respecting their child's own values and interests. Often this leads to rebellion later on, and a break-down in the parent-child relationship. If not, and the child takes on the parents desires, it leads to an unfulfilled and stressful life for the child doing something that they are not really passionate about.
How can parents and their children best navigate this?
The best way to navigate this is to find out what your child's interests really are. Find out what they love to talk about, what they enjoy learning, what they fill their space with, what inspires them. Then help them to nurture their gifts and dreams by offering whatever you can in terms of guidance, emotional support, financial support, love and patience. Children's dreams will naturally change over time and in different phases of their life, but at each stage, if you embrace what it is that they really love, then you'll not only have a much better relationship (one that will support you both in whatever life brings) but will also teach them the essential lesson in success of following what you are most passionate about.
Anything else you'd like to add?
We need to stop looking at children as unformed adults and start seeing them as fully developed beings exactly as they are. Just like we would not force a friend or partner into following a certain path based on what WE think is important or worthy, we shouldn't do this to our kids. We talk about children respecting us, but then show a complete lack of respect to them by ignoring or negating what is most important to them. All children learn by imitation. If you want respect, show it. Likewise, if you want your child to be successful and really go for a dream, then you need to be doing that yourself. I think parents should stop focusing so intently on what their kids can do and how successful they can be and start practicing what they preach. Your children will learn how to pursue their own dreams and overcome obstacles by watching you do this. But they will then go ahead and do it in something that interests them – with their own natural gifts and talents.
