Perhaps you were one of those parents lucky enough to have a child who would stop what they were doing immediately if given just the right look. Perhaps not. Most of us have children with varying levels of defiance. The ones who laugh when you tell them you’re counting to three. The ones who leap out of the naughty corner the minute you turn your back. The ones who don’t give a damn for your treats, rewards or praise. The ones who make you feel like you’re failing at parenting. |
You’re not. Parenting manuals throughout the last century or more have told us that parenting is about control. “Good parents” have children who do what they’re told when they’re told, behave in public, do well at school and don’t throw tantrums in the supermarket. Right?
The Control Cycle
I’d like you to stop for a minute and think about the last time someone tried to control you. How did you feel? How much did you want to stay in relationship with that person? What was your motivation like for doing what they wanted rather than what you wanted? I can remember having a boyfriend who tried to control how I dressed. It was a very short-lived relationship! Nobody likes to be controlled. It makes us feel angry, resentful, defiant, anxious and obstinate. This leads to behaviours like doing the opposite of what they want, arguing and shouting, possibly even violence, depending on the level of control exerted. All the behaviours that we’re trying to avoid in our children. The more we try to control, the worse the behavior gets. Vicious cycle 101!
Parenting is about relationship
You see, parenting is about relationship, not control. We tend to get caught up in all this parenting theory and forget that at the most fundamental level, you are having a relationship with another human being. Do you try to control everything your friend does? Or your partner? Now I’m not saying that you don’t need to have some boundaries – of course you do, as you would in any relationship. You wouldn’t let your friend or partner hit you or get into dangerous situations (if you could help it) or pee on your couch. If they did something you didn’t like, you’d try to understand what happened and work it out with them. If you care about the relationship you try to mend the ruptures that inevitably happen along the way.
Behaviour as communication
Behaviour is just a form of communication. Children are not that great with words yet and so they show us how they’re feeling and what’s going on for them in the relationship by acting it out. Those times when we most want to exert control and banish our children to the naughty corner are exactly the times when they need the closeness of that relationship the most. Children, like all humans, are co-regulators. Think about how you call a friend when you’re upset or seek out your partner for a hug. We help each other to get back into our zones of regulation. So why do we assume that children, with their more immature nervous systems, should be able to regulate themselves, alone, in a naughty corner?
What to do instead of the naughty corner
The ‘uncontrollable’ children are the ones who need our love and attention the most. Their behavior is telling us that they don’t feel ok, that they’re not regulated and that they desperately need our help. My invitation (or challenge, if you prefer!) for the next three months is to replace the naughty corners, star charts and punishments with the following:
Set aside ten minutes, three times a week, for one-on-one time with each child. Have a set time that is on the calendar for everyone to see and do not deviate from this at all if you can help it. Find a space where you won’t be disturbed, close the door, bring a few toys and games, and sit on the floor with them. During this time, they are in control. They get to decide what you are playing and how (yes, they can make up new rules). They get to decide whether the car they are holding is a car or a plane or a dinosaur. Don’t say or do anything unless they ask you to. Your job is to be very, very present (no phones), to observe, and to be directed. The only rules are that nobody gets hurt and nothing gets broken. If your child attacks you for some reason, say “You can choose to stop hitting me or you can choose to end our playtime for today”. If they continue, say, “I see you have chosen to end our playtime today” and get up and leave. No punishment, no anger, no shaming. Just showing them that their choices have consequences.
Try this for the next three months and let me know how it goes!
Parenting is not about control. Your child’s behavior is not a measure of how well you are doing. This is a relationship. Invest wisely in it and it will be the longest and most rewarding relationship of your life.
The Control Cycle
I’d like you to stop for a minute and think about the last time someone tried to control you. How did you feel? How much did you want to stay in relationship with that person? What was your motivation like for doing what they wanted rather than what you wanted? I can remember having a boyfriend who tried to control how I dressed. It was a very short-lived relationship! Nobody likes to be controlled. It makes us feel angry, resentful, defiant, anxious and obstinate. This leads to behaviours like doing the opposite of what they want, arguing and shouting, possibly even violence, depending on the level of control exerted. All the behaviours that we’re trying to avoid in our children. The more we try to control, the worse the behavior gets. Vicious cycle 101!
Parenting is about relationship
You see, parenting is about relationship, not control. We tend to get caught up in all this parenting theory and forget that at the most fundamental level, you are having a relationship with another human being. Do you try to control everything your friend does? Or your partner? Now I’m not saying that you don’t need to have some boundaries – of course you do, as you would in any relationship. You wouldn’t let your friend or partner hit you or get into dangerous situations (if you could help it) or pee on your couch. If they did something you didn’t like, you’d try to understand what happened and work it out with them. If you care about the relationship you try to mend the ruptures that inevitably happen along the way.
Behaviour as communication
Behaviour is just a form of communication. Children are not that great with words yet and so they show us how they’re feeling and what’s going on for them in the relationship by acting it out. Those times when we most want to exert control and banish our children to the naughty corner are exactly the times when they need the closeness of that relationship the most. Children, like all humans, are co-regulators. Think about how you call a friend when you’re upset or seek out your partner for a hug. We help each other to get back into our zones of regulation. So why do we assume that children, with their more immature nervous systems, should be able to regulate themselves, alone, in a naughty corner?
What to do instead of the naughty corner
The ‘uncontrollable’ children are the ones who need our love and attention the most. Their behavior is telling us that they don’t feel ok, that they’re not regulated and that they desperately need our help. My invitation (or challenge, if you prefer!) for the next three months is to replace the naughty corners, star charts and punishments with the following:
Set aside ten minutes, three times a week, for one-on-one time with each child. Have a set time that is on the calendar for everyone to see and do not deviate from this at all if you can help it. Find a space where you won’t be disturbed, close the door, bring a few toys and games, and sit on the floor with them. During this time, they are in control. They get to decide what you are playing and how (yes, they can make up new rules). They get to decide whether the car they are holding is a car or a plane or a dinosaur. Don’t say or do anything unless they ask you to. Your job is to be very, very present (no phones), to observe, and to be directed. The only rules are that nobody gets hurt and nothing gets broken. If your child attacks you for some reason, say “You can choose to stop hitting me or you can choose to end our playtime for today”. If they continue, say, “I see you have chosen to end our playtime today” and get up and leave. No punishment, no anger, no shaming. Just showing them that their choices have consequences.
Try this for the next three months and let me know how it goes!
Parenting is not about control. Your child’s behavior is not a measure of how well you are doing. This is a relationship. Invest wisely in it and it will be the longest and most rewarding relationship of your life.