Today I have an email from a parent of a 15 month old toddler who is struggling with mealtimes. If I had a pound for every parent having meal issues I would be a very wealthy lady.... *This is the link to the Parenting Breakthrough Experience I talk about in this podcast. |
Transcript of the podcast...
Before I jump into this I'd like the mother who sent in this request to know that while I may offer some advice here, there is absolutely zero judgement attached to this. I didn't have a clue when my kids were little and became one of those parents who chased their kids round with a spoon, overfed them and distracted them. As preteens now they sit nicely at the table, ask to be excused and pack their plates in the dishwasher. So there is hope for you all even if your kids are older than the child mentioned here and even if you don't get this all right. It's more about our attitude, our presence and our own table manners than the finer details of what we do with our children.
Having said that though, let's dive into some of the details and you're welcome to take away whatever resonates with you.
Here’s what she says…
We did exclusive breastfeeding on demand until starting solids at 6 months. We do baby led weaning and he still breastfeeds a lot (which I am totally cool with – no resentment or other issues, all is good, he will feed until he self-weans, my husband very supporting of this etc)
He eats waaaaaaaaaaaay less than the other babies I see (which is two in person and lots on videos from baby led weaning groups). The two I see in person are not breastfed and didn’t do baby led weaning. So in a way I feel like others made the choices for them when to eat and what to eat from a young age, even though they now do feed themselves. This is not a judgement of formula and puree from my side, more an observation.
He does not sit still during meal times. Never has. He doesn’t like his high chair much. We have tried eating on the floor pick nick style, making a seat for him at the table (he climbs onto the table), sitting on our laps. It affects me – I put so much effort into healthy meals. At the same time I know I must not let him see me getting aggravated (VERY HARD) and I don’t want to give him a complex about food. I think he won’t starve himself, right?! And I know one thing you cannot control at all is how much someone else eats – I don’t expect to control this by the way, am very aware of how damaging that it. I find myself worrying that he doesn’t eat enough. He isn’t the tallest or biggest toddler you will see but his growth is fine (not astronomical, he is slightly below the average curve).
I find myself worrying that I am not “strict” enough about meal times – I don’t enforce that we MUST all sit and eat together as a family. Our mealtimes are so relaxed, I pretty much eat, he puts the tiniest amounts of food in his mouth, most of which falls out, he then demands milk which I give and plays and does everything EXCEPT sit and eat. I feel like I can’t expect more of him than this or I am wrong?
From my own side of things I believe firmly in only eating when hungry (I am not perfect at this but it is my general way of eating) so maybe I am too relaxed about meal times.
The last thing I want to have happen is that he develops rude habits at meal times. When can I really expect him to “sit and eat at the table with the family”? and if he isn’t hungry, he doesn’t have to eat anything but I want him to be respectful when he is done eating or isn’t hungry that he allows others to finish their meals.
He shows zero interest in this at the moment. He eats the most when on the move, like with an apply in his hand.
In a sense I am more worried about his “table manners” than the quantity of food that he eats. I am also worried that I am too relaxed about it and will raise a child who doesn’t respect others at meal times.
Other observations:
Things I say and do
When he stands up at his seat at the table and tries to climb onto table I say “when we eat, we sit” and gently sit him down. I could do this 8 or 9 times and then give up.
When he starts dropping food on the floor, I say “I see you are dropping your food on the floor, I think that means you are done eating” and take him out of his chair
When he indicates to take him out of the high chair by lifting his arms, I do that
I try not to let him leave the kitchen where we eat during meal times. He looks at the doors and complains a lot and I say “The door is closed. We are eating now” – again I could say this a lot, eventually I give up, Dad takes him to play and I finish eating alone.
Sometimes I ask him, when he complains to leave the kitchen “what else can you do?” and he may (or may not) open a cupboard or two and start playing.
Questions
Should I just leave the kitchen door open and let him come and go as he wants?
Should I refuse milk at the table – if so …HOW? Say “I see you want to drink milk now. We are eating food now.”??
Is there anything I am doing that I must keep or stop?
How do I make sure that he doesn’t feel pressure to eat but does respect meal times as in sitting at the table, waiting for others to be done even if he isn’t hungry.
How do I deal with my own aggravation at wasted food, worrying how little he eats, the complaining at meal times? (I go through stages, sometimes am very affected, other times let go completely)
How do I set boundaries around “milk” versus “food” especially when I believe that he himself knows best what his body needs? I tend to err on the side of, if he wants milk that is what his body needs.
He is only 15months – what can I really expect from him re table manners?
HELP!!
Wow, firstly that you for being so brave to share this with us. It is often difficult to share our struggles as it is easy to feel judged if we perceive ourselves to be struggling. And all parents struggle at some point, if not most of the time, particularly around mealtimes.
I'd just like to clarify at this point that I have no judgement on baby feeding either.
Breastfeeding is best nutritionally. But there is a list as long as my arm of reasons someone may not be able to or want to breastfeed. And that is OK. Plenty of babies. .. think adoption... grow up just fine on formula. We need to respect other women's choices of what to do with their bodies. Yes you may choose differently. But every life is unique and you cannot stand outside of the situation without all the facts and know what is best for someone else. And that goes for everything I'll say here today too. I can give you some pointers but ultimately you are the parenting guru. Not me. Every one of you is the perfect parent for your child. If you only take one piece of advice from me today let it be this one. Slow down. Be present and trust yourself.
OK that aside... what is the correct amount to eat? What is way less unless compared to some other child which is essentially an arbitrary comparison. Don't worry we all do it with something. Unless a child has a serious physiological or psychological problem they won't starve themselves. This is about having trust in your child and in yourself. It sounds from your email like he is healthy, he has energy, is generally ok. So breathe. He will eat the right amount for him. As you are still breastfeeding you can be sure he's getting all the nutrients he needs. Once you stop breastfeeding if you're really worried you can always give him some supplements. But again, he won't starve himself.
He does not sit still during meal times. Never has. He doesn’t like his high chair much. We have tried eating on the floor pick nick style, making a seat for him at the table (he climbs onto the table), sitting on our laps.
Mia... a couple of things here. Firstly, take a look at any 15 month old and you'll find very few who will sit in a seat for any period of time. I do agree with children sitting to eat for safety reasons as well as for social reasons but not every 15 month old will manage this without assistance. By 3 years old I would absolutely expect a child to sit for a short meal (not an extended adult length meal) but at 15 months the emphasis should be on what the parents are doing not on what the child is doing. They learn from us. At the moment he's learning that mealtimes are stressful. It doesn't matter how much you try to cover up your aggravation he can feel that. It is more confusing for a child to have a stressed parent pretending to be calm than either a calm or a genuinely stressed one. Don't try to pretend. If you're irritated, be irritated. Just own your irritation. So instead of saying " you are driving me crazy right now jumping up and down" you can just tell him honestly how you're feeling. "I'm feeling irritated right now. I want to just sit and eat my meal" or... you could just sit and eat your meal and acknowledge that it isn't him or his behaviour that is making you irritated but your thought that he should be behaving differently to what he is! There is a strong possibility that once you relax at mealtimes he will be more likely to want to be there with you. Or not. And that's also ok. If he has good role models ie you and your husband who sit and relax and chat and enjoy a meal together he will imprint that on his brain as the correct way to eat and in time will do the same. All children want to learn to walk. They see us doing it. We never have to entice them into copying us unless our relationship with them is broken. Focus first on good relationships and emulation will follow.
I find myself worrying that I am not “strict” enough about meal times – I don’t enforce that we MUST all sit and eat together as a family. Our mealtimes are so relaxed…
Mia... I think you're absolutely right to be relaxed. Mealtimes are an enjoyable time. What I would like most for you first is for you to genuinely enjoy this time. Not be pandering to his every desire. If you enjoy having a picnic fine. Then do that. But if you would prefer to be sitting at a table chatting with your husband do that. Remember to honour your marriage relationship too. I understand that you want to feed on demand and I also want you to recognise the difference between a need and a desire. We definitely need to attend to our children's needs. We don't need to tend to every desire. You have given him food. He is able to eat solid food. I assume he has something to drink. He does not need milk in the middle if your meal. Let him know that you are aware of his desire and that you're happy to fulfill it after dinner. Right now you are eating. This is part of having self-respect and boundaries and it is important for both of you and your relationship. He isn't 3 months old and unable to wait. He may get angry or frustrated and that is OK too. Acknowledge his feelings and restate your boundary. You're not starving him. You are not ignoring a need. You are simply looking after yourself first. Putting on your own gas mask on the plane before attending to your child.
The last thing I want to have happen is that he develops rude habits at meal times.
Mia.... I think at 15 months it might be a bit early to expect him to even understand the needs of others nevermind to respect them. I've sat at plenty a restaurant where someone lights up a cigarette while people are eating so if even adults can’t manage that level of respect we might like to give him a few years to develop.
In a sense I am more worried about his “table manners” than the quantity of food that he eats.
Mia... my whole motto is to be the change you want to see in your kids. Show him what respectful meals look like. Don't tell him or force him or coerce him as this in itself is not respectful. As he gets older you can start implementing things like once you get up from the table your plate is cleared and the meal is over but at this point just show him what that looks like. For example you said that currently dad gets up from the table to go play with him and leaves you eating alone. This is the opposite of what you want from him.
Other observations:
Things I say and do
When he stands up at his seat at the table and tries to climb onto table I say “when we eat, we sit” and gently sit him down. I could do this 8 or 9 times and then give up.
When he starts dropping food on the floor, I say “I see you are dropping your food on the floor, I think that means you are done eating” and take him out of his chair
When he indicates to take him out of the high chair by lifting his arms, I do that
I try not to let him leave the kitchen where we eat during meal times. He looks at the doors and complains a lot and I say “The door is closed. We are eating now” – again I could say this a lot, eventually I give up, Dad takes him to play and I finish eating alone.
Sometimes I ask him, when he complains to leave the kitchen “what else can you do?” and he may (or may not) open a cupboard or two and start playing.
Mia... it sounds to me like you're right on track but you don't trust yourself enough to follow through. Setting any boundary will definitely require repetition and patience before it is respected. Think of children as little scientists. A good scientist will repeat an experiment over and over and over again to check that they keep getting the same result. It is your toddlers job to test the boundary. Over and over. If they keep getting the same result they will eventually move on to a different experiment. But if on the 7th time they try they suddenly get a different result then the whole experiment needs to start from scratch to see if they can reproduce the different result. We need to have consistency. But we're also not saints who can lift a child down 100 times without cracking. So it needs to be a quick 123 process that ends the experiment with the same result that respects both you and your child. In this situation I would lift him down the first time as you're doing saying ‘when we eat we sit down’. I'd do that once more. Then I'd say I see you are finished eating, remove the food and go back to enjoying your meal. Calm is the keyword. He may protest to see your reaction to this. Acknowledge that and let him know your needs. ‘I need to have a peaceful meal’. There is no malice in this. No punishment. You are kind and calm but you are creating and boundary that is respectful of yourself. We cannot raise respectful kids if we don't model this by being respectful to ourselves first.
I wouldn't necessarily keep him in the kitchen unless isn't instant safe for him to run round the house unsupervised. The focus here is on you having a peaceful enjoyable meal. That is what he will learn from. If you and your partner are enjoying your food and having a good laugh he's going to want in on that action. Maybe not today but eventually. He'll see the family table as a great place to hang out and connect.
Mia... so a quick answer to your final questions to sum up
Questions
Should I just leave the kitchen door open and let him come and go as he wants? Mia... if you can, yes. Focus on your meal.
Should I refuse milk at the table – if so …HOW? Say “I see you want to drink milk now. We are eating food now.”?? Mia… I think that is very reasonable and respectful of both of you. He can have his milk when you have had yours.
Is there anything I am doing that I must keep or stop?
How do I make sure that he doesn’t feel pressure to eat but does respect meal times as in sitting at the table, waiting for others to be done even if he isn’t hungry.
Mia... you do this by modelling the right behaviour.
How do I deal with my own aggravation at wasted food, worrying how little he eats, the complaining at meal times? (I go through stages, sometimes am very affected, other times let go completely)
Mia... this is exactly why I rarely deal with parents’ parenting issues without first taking them through my breakthrough experience. All our strong reactions are showing us where we have triggers and unresolved issues in our own lives. Being present and using some mindfulness tools can go a long way towards responding rather than reacting from our conditioning. I will put a link below this to my Parenting Breakthrough experience which will help you to move forward with some tools in your tool box for these heated moments.
How do I set boundaries around “milk” versus “food” especially when I believe that he himself knows best what his body needs? I tend to err on the side of, if he wants milk that is what his body needs.
Mia... I'm sure he does know what he needs. Unless you feel there us a medical problem that needs to be addresses I would trust yourself and him. I promise you that he will not still be breastfeeding at 18. At some point he will choose solid food and then you will probably miss the intimacy of breastfeeding. Enjoy the moment while it lasts.
He is only 15months – what can I really expect from him re table manners?
Mia... don't expect anything from him until you have fulfilled your own expectations. Whatever it us you want from him make sure that that is what you are doing.
I hope that helps. Parenting seems like a minefield when you are trying to solve all these problems but remember that you are only ever dealing with one moment. This one. Be here now.
I wish you and your family many happy meals together.
Before I jump into this I'd like the mother who sent in this request to know that while I may offer some advice here, there is absolutely zero judgement attached to this. I didn't have a clue when my kids were little and became one of those parents who chased their kids round with a spoon, overfed them and distracted them. As preteens now they sit nicely at the table, ask to be excused and pack their plates in the dishwasher. So there is hope for you all even if your kids are older than the child mentioned here and even if you don't get this all right. It's more about our attitude, our presence and our own table manners than the finer details of what we do with our children.
Having said that though, let's dive into some of the details and you're welcome to take away whatever resonates with you.
Here’s what she says…
We did exclusive breastfeeding on demand until starting solids at 6 months. We do baby led weaning and he still breastfeeds a lot (which I am totally cool with – no resentment or other issues, all is good, he will feed until he self-weans, my husband very supporting of this etc)
He eats waaaaaaaaaaaay less than the other babies I see (which is two in person and lots on videos from baby led weaning groups). The two I see in person are not breastfed and didn’t do baby led weaning. So in a way I feel like others made the choices for them when to eat and what to eat from a young age, even though they now do feed themselves. This is not a judgement of formula and puree from my side, more an observation.
He does not sit still during meal times. Never has. He doesn’t like his high chair much. We have tried eating on the floor pick nick style, making a seat for him at the table (he climbs onto the table), sitting on our laps. It affects me – I put so much effort into healthy meals. At the same time I know I must not let him see me getting aggravated (VERY HARD) and I don’t want to give him a complex about food. I think he won’t starve himself, right?! And I know one thing you cannot control at all is how much someone else eats – I don’t expect to control this by the way, am very aware of how damaging that it. I find myself worrying that he doesn’t eat enough. He isn’t the tallest or biggest toddler you will see but his growth is fine (not astronomical, he is slightly below the average curve).
I find myself worrying that I am not “strict” enough about meal times – I don’t enforce that we MUST all sit and eat together as a family. Our mealtimes are so relaxed, I pretty much eat, he puts the tiniest amounts of food in his mouth, most of which falls out, he then demands milk which I give and plays and does everything EXCEPT sit and eat. I feel like I can’t expect more of him than this or I am wrong?
From my own side of things I believe firmly in only eating when hungry (I am not perfect at this but it is my general way of eating) so maybe I am too relaxed about meal times.
The last thing I want to have happen is that he develops rude habits at meal times. When can I really expect him to “sit and eat at the table with the family”? and if he isn’t hungry, he doesn’t have to eat anything but I want him to be respectful when he is done eating or isn’t hungry that he allows others to finish their meals.
He shows zero interest in this at the moment. He eats the most when on the move, like with an apply in his hand.
In a sense I am more worried about his “table manners” than the quantity of food that he eats. I am also worried that I am too relaxed about it and will raise a child who doesn’t respect others at meal times.
Other observations:
- I have noticed that he eats more when playing with a friend and when it isn’t at our house! (ouch!)
- I have never put food into his mouth whether with a spoon or my fingers etc, he has always fed himself. If he indicates he wants me to, I sometimes hold a spoon and he brings his mouth to the spoon and drinks from it.
- Even with medicine, he takes it himself unless we absolutely have to put it in his mouth (which is an ugly scene I am not going to lie about that)
Things I say and do
When he stands up at his seat at the table and tries to climb onto table I say “when we eat, we sit” and gently sit him down. I could do this 8 or 9 times and then give up.
When he starts dropping food on the floor, I say “I see you are dropping your food on the floor, I think that means you are done eating” and take him out of his chair
When he indicates to take him out of the high chair by lifting his arms, I do that
I try not to let him leave the kitchen where we eat during meal times. He looks at the doors and complains a lot and I say “The door is closed. We are eating now” – again I could say this a lot, eventually I give up, Dad takes him to play and I finish eating alone.
Sometimes I ask him, when he complains to leave the kitchen “what else can you do?” and he may (or may not) open a cupboard or two and start playing.
Questions
Should I just leave the kitchen door open and let him come and go as he wants?
Should I refuse milk at the table – if so …HOW? Say “I see you want to drink milk now. We are eating food now.”??
Is there anything I am doing that I must keep or stop?
How do I make sure that he doesn’t feel pressure to eat but does respect meal times as in sitting at the table, waiting for others to be done even if he isn’t hungry.
How do I deal with my own aggravation at wasted food, worrying how little he eats, the complaining at meal times? (I go through stages, sometimes am very affected, other times let go completely)
How do I set boundaries around “milk” versus “food” especially when I believe that he himself knows best what his body needs? I tend to err on the side of, if he wants milk that is what his body needs.
He is only 15months – what can I really expect from him re table manners?
HELP!!
Wow, firstly that you for being so brave to share this with us. It is often difficult to share our struggles as it is easy to feel judged if we perceive ourselves to be struggling. And all parents struggle at some point, if not most of the time, particularly around mealtimes.
I'd just like to clarify at this point that I have no judgement on baby feeding either.
Breastfeeding is best nutritionally. But there is a list as long as my arm of reasons someone may not be able to or want to breastfeed. And that is OK. Plenty of babies. .. think adoption... grow up just fine on formula. We need to respect other women's choices of what to do with their bodies. Yes you may choose differently. But every life is unique and you cannot stand outside of the situation without all the facts and know what is best for someone else. And that goes for everything I'll say here today too. I can give you some pointers but ultimately you are the parenting guru. Not me. Every one of you is the perfect parent for your child. If you only take one piece of advice from me today let it be this one. Slow down. Be present and trust yourself.
OK that aside... what is the correct amount to eat? What is way less unless compared to some other child which is essentially an arbitrary comparison. Don't worry we all do it with something. Unless a child has a serious physiological or psychological problem they won't starve themselves. This is about having trust in your child and in yourself. It sounds from your email like he is healthy, he has energy, is generally ok. So breathe. He will eat the right amount for him. As you are still breastfeeding you can be sure he's getting all the nutrients he needs. Once you stop breastfeeding if you're really worried you can always give him some supplements. But again, he won't starve himself.
He does not sit still during meal times. Never has. He doesn’t like his high chair much. We have tried eating on the floor pick nick style, making a seat for him at the table (he climbs onto the table), sitting on our laps.
Mia... a couple of things here. Firstly, take a look at any 15 month old and you'll find very few who will sit in a seat for any period of time. I do agree with children sitting to eat for safety reasons as well as for social reasons but not every 15 month old will manage this without assistance. By 3 years old I would absolutely expect a child to sit for a short meal (not an extended adult length meal) but at 15 months the emphasis should be on what the parents are doing not on what the child is doing. They learn from us. At the moment he's learning that mealtimes are stressful. It doesn't matter how much you try to cover up your aggravation he can feel that. It is more confusing for a child to have a stressed parent pretending to be calm than either a calm or a genuinely stressed one. Don't try to pretend. If you're irritated, be irritated. Just own your irritation. So instead of saying " you are driving me crazy right now jumping up and down" you can just tell him honestly how you're feeling. "I'm feeling irritated right now. I want to just sit and eat my meal" or... you could just sit and eat your meal and acknowledge that it isn't him or his behaviour that is making you irritated but your thought that he should be behaving differently to what he is! There is a strong possibility that once you relax at mealtimes he will be more likely to want to be there with you. Or not. And that's also ok. If he has good role models ie you and your husband who sit and relax and chat and enjoy a meal together he will imprint that on his brain as the correct way to eat and in time will do the same. All children want to learn to walk. They see us doing it. We never have to entice them into copying us unless our relationship with them is broken. Focus first on good relationships and emulation will follow.
I find myself worrying that I am not “strict” enough about meal times – I don’t enforce that we MUST all sit and eat together as a family. Our mealtimes are so relaxed…
Mia... I think you're absolutely right to be relaxed. Mealtimes are an enjoyable time. What I would like most for you first is for you to genuinely enjoy this time. Not be pandering to his every desire. If you enjoy having a picnic fine. Then do that. But if you would prefer to be sitting at a table chatting with your husband do that. Remember to honour your marriage relationship too. I understand that you want to feed on demand and I also want you to recognise the difference between a need and a desire. We definitely need to attend to our children's needs. We don't need to tend to every desire. You have given him food. He is able to eat solid food. I assume he has something to drink. He does not need milk in the middle if your meal. Let him know that you are aware of his desire and that you're happy to fulfill it after dinner. Right now you are eating. This is part of having self-respect and boundaries and it is important for both of you and your relationship. He isn't 3 months old and unable to wait. He may get angry or frustrated and that is OK too. Acknowledge his feelings and restate your boundary. You're not starving him. You are not ignoring a need. You are simply looking after yourself first. Putting on your own gas mask on the plane before attending to your child.
The last thing I want to have happen is that he develops rude habits at meal times.
Mia.... I think at 15 months it might be a bit early to expect him to even understand the needs of others nevermind to respect them. I've sat at plenty a restaurant where someone lights up a cigarette while people are eating so if even adults can’t manage that level of respect we might like to give him a few years to develop.
In a sense I am more worried about his “table manners” than the quantity of food that he eats.
Mia... my whole motto is to be the change you want to see in your kids. Show him what respectful meals look like. Don't tell him or force him or coerce him as this in itself is not respectful. As he gets older you can start implementing things like once you get up from the table your plate is cleared and the meal is over but at this point just show him what that looks like. For example you said that currently dad gets up from the table to go play with him and leaves you eating alone. This is the opposite of what you want from him.
Other observations:
- I have noticed that he eats more when playing with a friend and when it isn’t at our house! (ouch!)
- I have never put food into his mouth
- Even with medicine, he takes it himself unless we absolutely have to put it in his mouth (which is an ugly scene I am not going to lie about that)
Things I say and do
When he stands up at his seat at the table and tries to climb onto table I say “when we eat, we sit” and gently sit him down. I could do this 8 or 9 times and then give up.
When he starts dropping food on the floor, I say “I see you are dropping your food on the floor, I think that means you are done eating” and take him out of his chair
When he indicates to take him out of the high chair by lifting his arms, I do that
I try not to let him leave the kitchen where we eat during meal times. He looks at the doors and complains a lot and I say “The door is closed. We are eating now” – again I could say this a lot, eventually I give up, Dad takes him to play and I finish eating alone.
Sometimes I ask him, when he complains to leave the kitchen “what else can you do?” and he may (or may not) open a cupboard or two and start playing.
Mia... it sounds to me like you're right on track but you don't trust yourself enough to follow through. Setting any boundary will definitely require repetition and patience before it is respected. Think of children as little scientists. A good scientist will repeat an experiment over and over and over again to check that they keep getting the same result. It is your toddlers job to test the boundary. Over and over. If they keep getting the same result they will eventually move on to a different experiment. But if on the 7th time they try they suddenly get a different result then the whole experiment needs to start from scratch to see if they can reproduce the different result. We need to have consistency. But we're also not saints who can lift a child down 100 times without cracking. So it needs to be a quick 123 process that ends the experiment with the same result that respects both you and your child. In this situation I would lift him down the first time as you're doing saying ‘when we eat we sit down’. I'd do that once more. Then I'd say I see you are finished eating, remove the food and go back to enjoying your meal. Calm is the keyword. He may protest to see your reaction to this. Acknowledge that and let him know your needs. ‘I need to have a peaceful meal’. There is no malice in this. No punishment. You are kind and calm but you are creating and boundary that is respectful of yourself. We cannot raise respectful kids if we don't model this by being respectful to ourselves first.
I wouldn't necessarily keep him in the kitchen unless isn't instant safe for him to run round the house unsupervised. The focus here is on you having a peaceful enjoyable meal. That is what he will learn from. If you and your partner are enjoying your food and having a good laugh he's going to want in on that action. Maybe not today but eventually. He'll see the family table as a great place to hang out and connect.
Mia... so a quick answer to your final questions to sum up
Questions
Should I just leave the kitchen door open and let him come and go as he wants? Mia... if you can, yes. Focus on your meal.
Should I refuse milk at the table – if so …HOW? Say “I see you want to drink milk now. We are eating food now.”?? Mia… I think that is very reasonable and respectful of both of you. He can have his milk when you have had yours.
Is there anything I am doing that I must keep or stop?
How do I make sure that he doesn’t feel pressure to eat but does respect meal times as in sitting at the table, waiting for others to be done even if he isn’t hungry.
Mia... you do this by modelling the right behaviour.
How do I deal with my own aggravation at wasted food, worrying how little he eats, the complaining at meal times? (I go through stages, sometimes am very affected, other times let go completely)
Mia... this is exactly why I rarely deal with parents’ parenting issues without first taking them through my breakthrough experience. All our strong reactions are showing us where we have triggers and unresolved issues in our own lives. Being present and using some mindfulness tools can go a long way towards responding rather than reacting from our conditioning. I will put a link below this to my Parenting Breakthrough experience which will help you to move forward with some tools in your tool box for these heated moments.
How do I set boundaries around “milk” versus “food” especially when I believe that he himself knows best what his body needs? I tend to err on the side of, if he wants milk that is what his body needs.
Mia... I'm sure he does know what he needs. Unless you feel there us a medical problem that needs to be addresses I would trust yourself and him. I promise you that he will not still be breastfeeding at 18. At some point he will choose solid food and then you will probably miss the intimacy of breastfeeding. Enjoy the moment while it lasts.
He is only 15months – what can I really expect from him re table manners?
Mia... don't expect anything from him until you have fulfilled your own expectations. Whatever it us you want from him make sure that that is what you are doing.
I hope that helps. Parenting seems like a minefield when you are trying to solve all these problems but remember that you are only ever dealing with one moment. This one. Be here now.
I wish you and your family many happy meals together.